Title: The Tale Of Sir Galahad
From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Transcribed By: Malcolm Dickinson
Sir Galahad, making his way through deep forest in the middle of a
terrible thunderstorm, comes upon a dark, tall castle. At the top of the
tower glows a stunning image of the Holy Grail. A wolf howls. He
struggles to the door of the castle, upon which, while standing in the
pouring rain, he bangs with his armored glove.
Galahad: Open the door! Open the door! In the
name of King Arthur, open the door!
The door creaks open, and Galahad falls onto the stone floor of the
castle. Looking up, he sees the faces of three young women dressed all
Women: Hello! Hello! Hello!
Zoot: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!
Galahad: (confused) The Castle Anthrax??
Zoot: Yes... (disappointed) It's not a very good name, is it?
(brightening) Oh, But *we* are nice! And we will attend to your
every, *every* need!
Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
Zoot: The what?
Galahad: The Grail... it is here...
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget!
Other women: Yes, Sir Zoot!
Zoot: Prepare a *bed* for our guest.
Others: Yes, Sir Zoot. Thank you, Sir Zoot! Thank you, Sir Zoot!
Zoot: Away, Away, vile etessence! (to Galahad) The beds here are
warm and soft... And very, *very* big.
Galahad: (protesting) Well, look, I..I, uh--
Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight?
Galahad: Sir Galahad.... the Chaste.
Zoot: Mine is Zoot... just, Zoot. Oh, but come! (starts to lead him
Galahad: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Grail!!
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
Galahad: (urgently) No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it--
Zoot: Sir Galahad! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our
Galahad: (pause) Well, I--I, uh.... (looks at feet, fingers edge of
Zoot: (leading him upstairs) Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very
dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score young
blondes and brunettes... all between 16 and 19-and-a-half...
cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a
lonely life. Bathing... dressing... undressing... knitting
exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights!
(she leads him to a bed and sits him down; he tries to get up.)
Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. (pushes him down on the
bed) (seeing blood on his armour) Oh!! But you are wounded!
Galahad: No, no.. i-it's nothing!
Zoot: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! (he starts to get up
and leave) (pushing him back down) No, no, please! Lie down.
She claps her hands twice; two sixteen-year old girls arrive.
Piglet: Well... what seems to be the trouble?
Galahad: (incredulous) They're DOCTORS?
Zoot: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes....Galahad once
again tries to get up and leave. Zoot, quite adept at it by this
time, pushes him back down on the bed. Oh, come, come... you
must try to rest. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your
art. (leaves) The two girls sit on the bed and relieve Galahad
of his shield, which he's been holding in front of him during the
Winston: *Try* to relax...
Galahad: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Piglet: We *must* examine you.... (lifts up a flap of his kilt)
Galahad: There's nothing wrong with *that*!
Winston: Please.... we *are* doctors. (They begin to proceed with the
examination when a metallic "bong" is heard from Galahad's nether
region. He grabs his shield and jumps out of bed.)
Galahad: Ach! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!
Winston: Back to your bed at once!
Galahad: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
Piglet: There's no grail here...
Galahad: I have seen it, I have seen it! (he runs through the curtain
into another room.) I have--(suddenly he looks around, and
realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their
nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating
various sorts of suggestive fruits... As he passes through them,
each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into a
staircase, where he almost runs into...) Zoot!!
Zoot: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
Galahad: Oh. Well, excuse me, I-- (starting to go by her down the stairs)
Dingo: (standing in his way) Where are you going?
Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here, in this castle!
Dingo: (sudden realization) No... oh, no!! Bad, *bad* Zoot!
Galahad: What is it?
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Zoot! She has been setting a light to
our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's
not the first time we've had this problem...
Galahad: (incredibly disappointed) It's not the real Grail????!
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Zoot! (leading him back into
the room with all the women in it) She is a *naughty* person...
and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax, we
have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped
beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her.
Others: A spanking, a spanking!!!
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may
deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!
Others: And spank me! And me! And me! And me!
Dingo: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!!
Others: A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!!!!!
Dingo: ...and after the spanking.... the Oral Sex!!
Others: (amid squeals of delight) The oral sex, the oral sex!!!
Galahad: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer...
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