Title: Dead Bishop
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Taken From Album
  Transcribed By: unknown
       Edited By: Adam Fogg 
      

   Mother: (turning off radio) liberal rubbish!  Klaus!

    Klaus: Yeah?

   Mother: Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?

    Klaus: 'Alibut.

   Mother: The jugged fish IS 'alibut!

    Klaus: Well, what fish 'ave you got that isn't jugged?

   Mother: Rabbit.

    Klaus: What, rabbit fish?

   Mother: Uuh, yes...it's got fins....

    Klaus: Is it dead?

   Mother: Well, it was coughin' up blood last night.

    Klaus: All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.

Voiceover: One dead unjugged rabbit fish later.

    Klaus: (putting down his knife and fork) Well, that was really 'orrible.

   Mother: Aaw, you're always complainin'!

    Klaus: Wha's for afters?

   Mother: Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart.

    Klaus: (eyes lighting up) Strawberry tart?

   Mother: Well, it's got *some* rat in it.

    Klaus: 'Ow much?

   Mother: Three.  A lot, really.

    Klaus: Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.

Voiceover: One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later.

    Klaus: (putting down fork and knife) Appalling.

   Mother: Naw, naw, naw!

      Son: (coming in the door) 'Ello Mum. 'Ello Dad.

    Klaus: 'Ello son.

      Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing, dad!

    Klaus: Really?

   Mother: Where's it from?

      Son: Waddya mean?

   Mother: What's its diocese?

      Son: Well, it looked a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me...

    Klaus: (getting up and going out the door) I'll go and have a look.

   Mother: I don't know...kids bringin' 'em in here....

      Son: It's not me!

   Mother: I've got three of 'em down by the bin, and the dustmen won't touch 'em!

    Klaus: (coming back in) Leicester.

   Mother: 'Ow d'you know?

    Klaus: Tattooed on the back o' the neck.  I'll call the police.

   Mother: Shouldn't you call the church?

      Son: Call the church police!

    Klaus: All right.  (shouting) The Church Police!
 
           (sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash) 
           (the church police burst in the door) 
 
Detective: What's all this then, Amen! 

   Mother: Are you the church police?

All the police officers: (in unison) Ho, Yes!

   Mother: There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!

Detective: Uh, Detective Parson, madam.  I see... suffrican, or diocisian?

   Mother: 'Ow should I know?

Detective: It's tatooed on the back o' their neck.  (spying the tart) 'Ere, is that
           rat tart?

   Mother: yes. 

Detective: Disgusting!  Right!  Men, the chase is on!  Now we should all
           kneel! (they all kneel) 

      All: O Lord, we beseech thee, tell us 'oo croaked Lester!

           *thunder*
           
Voice of the Lord: The one in the braces, he done it!

    Klaus: It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.

Detective: Agreed.  We'll be charging them too.

    Klaus: I'd like you to take the three boddlabin into consideration.

Detective: Right.  I'll now ask you all to conclude this harrest with a hymn.

      All: All things bright and beautiful,
           All creatures great and small, 
           All things wise and wonderful, 
           The church has nigged them all. 
           Amen. 
                                                                                                

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