Title: Dead Bishop
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Taken From Album
Transcribed By: unknown
Edited By: Adam Fogg
Mother: (turning off radio) liberal rubbish! Klaus!
Mother: Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?
Mother: The jugged fish IS 'alibut!
Klaus: Well, what fish 'ave you got that isn't jugged?
Klaus: What, rabbit fish?
Mother: Uuh, yes...it's got fins....
Klaus: Is it dead?
Mother: Well, it was coughin' up blood last night.
Klaus: All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
Voiceover: One dead unjugged rabbit fish later.
Klaus: (putting down his knife and fork) Well, that was really 'orrible.
Mother: Aaw, you're always complainin'!
Klaus: Wha's for afters?
Mother: Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart.
Klaus: (eyes lighting up) Strawberry tart?
Mother: Well, it's got *some* rat in it.
Klaus: 'Ow much?
Mother: Three. A lot, really.
Klaus: Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
Voiceover: One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later.
Klaus: (putting down fork and knife) Appalling.
Mother: Naw, naw, naw!
Son: (coming in the door) 'Ello Mum. 'Ello Dad.
Klaus: 'Ello son.
Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing, dad!
Mother: Where's it from?
Son: Waddya mean?
Mother: What's its diocese?
Son: Well, it looked a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me...
Klaus: (getting up and going out the door) I'll go and have a look.
Mother: I don't know...kids bringin' 'em in here....
Son: It's not me!
Mother: I've got three of 'em down by the bin, and the dustmen won't touch 'em!
Klaus: (coming back in) Leicester.
Mother: 'Ow d'you know?
Klaus: Tattooed on the back o' the neck. I'll call the police.
Mother: Shouldn't you call the church?
Son: Call the church police!
Klaus: All right. (shouting) The Church Police!
(sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash)
(the church police burst in the door)
Detective: What's all this then, Amen!
Mother: Are you the church police?
All the police officers: (in unison) Ho, Yes!
Mother: There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!
Detective: Uh, Detective Parson, madam. I see... suffrican, or diocisian?
Mother: 'Ow should I know?
Detective: It's tatooed on the back o' their neck. (spying the tart) 'Ere, is that
Detective: Disgusting! Right! Men, the chase is on! Now we should all
kneel! (they all kneel)
All: O Lord, we beseech thee, tell us 'oo croaked Lester!
Voice of the Lord: The one in the braces, he done it!
Klaus: It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
Detective: Agreed. We'll be charging them too.
Klaus: I'd like you to take the three boddlabin into consideration.
Detective: Right. I'll now ask you all to conclude this harrest with a hymn.
All: All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The church has nigged them all.
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