Title: The Bruces
            From: Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
  Transcribed By: unknown
                        
 
Goodday, Bruce! 
Oh, Hello Bruce! 
How are you Bruce? 
A bit crooked, Bruce. 
Where's Bruce? 
He's not 'ere, Bruce. 
Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce. 
Hot as a monkey's bum! 
That's a strange expression, Bruce. 
Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil 
     a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly 
     to herself. 
She's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up. 
Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! 
'Ow  are you, Bruce? 
Goodnight Bruce! 
Bruce. 
Hello Bruce. 
Bruce. 
How are you, Bruce? 
Goodnight Bruce. 
Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommey Land who is joinin' 
    us this year in the philosophy department at the University of 
    Wallamalloo. 
(Everyone) Goodnight! 
Hello. 
Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. 
Is your name not Bruce? 
No, it's Michael. 
That's going to cause a little confusion. 
Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear? 
Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting, before we start, 
    though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer. 
Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!! 
Amen! 
Crack a tube! (Bottles opening) 
Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the 
    philosophy faculty. 
I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth! And remind 
    him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here. 
(Everyone) Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce! 
Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian 
    philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also 
    in charge of the sheep dip. 
What's New-Bruce going to teach? 
New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton, 
    Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bernerd. 
Those are all cricketers! 
Aww, spit! 
Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce! 
(Everyone) 'Straylya, 'Straylia, 'Straylia, 'Straylya, we love you! Amen!! 
Another tube! (Bottles opening) 
Any questions? 
New-Bruce, are you a Pooftah? 
Are you a Pooftah? 
No! 
No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: 
 Rule One! (Everyone) No Pooftahs! 
 Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to mal-treat the others in any 
           way at all.. if there's anybody watching. 
 Rule Three? (Everyone) No Pooftahs!! 
 Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody... not drinking. 
    Rule Five, (Everyone) No Pooftahs! 
    Rule Six, there is NO.... Rule Six. 
    Rule Seven, (Everyone) No Pooftahs!! 
    Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. 
This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in 
    a bottle, you can hold it in your hand. 
Amen! 
 
 
 
Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable. 
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could 
    think you under the table. 
 
David Hume could out-consume Schoppenhauer and Hegel. 
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel. 
 
There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 
    'bout the raising of the wrist. 
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed. 
 
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will 
    On half a pint of shanty was particularly ill. 
Plato they say could stick it away, 
    Half a crate of whiskey every day. 
 
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, 
    And Hoppes was fond of his dram. 
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart. 
    "I drink, therefore I am." 
 
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; 
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.