Title: Chemist Sketch and Constable Pan-Am
Transcribed by: Brittany K
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
(A sign hangs in a chemist's office, "Dispensing Department." John Cleese is a chemist and is behind a chemists counter. One man is standing and a man and lady are sitting, facing CHEMIST on the other side of the counter)
CHEMIST: Right I've got some of your prescriptions here? Who's got the pox?
Come one who's got the pox? Come on! (Eric Idle raises hand embarrassed, CHEMIST tosses pill bottle at him) Who's got the boil on the bum? Boil on the botty? (Tosses pill bottle to a standing man) Who's got the chest rash? (A large chested lady raises her hand) Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got…Who's got the wind? (Camera pans to a different sitting man wearing a hat and overcoat) Catch!
Title card: "The Chemist Sketch an Apology!"
Eric Idle over voice: The BBC would like to apologize for the quality of writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like "bum", "knickers", "botty", or "wee-wees". (Audience laughs) Shh!
MICHAEL PALIN: These are the words not to be used on this program. (Clicks button and each word appears in background) "B*m", "B*TTY", "P*X", "KN*CKERS", "KN*CKERS", "W**-W**", "SEMPRINI"
(Cut to same chemists office)
CHEMIST: Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then? (CONSTABLE forcefully removes CHEMIST from office)
(Cut to same chemist's office, but new sign, "Less Naughty Chemists Ltd.", CHEMIST2 is wearing the same sign)
MAN (Eric Idle): Good morning.
CHEMIST2 (Terry Jones): Good morning sir.
MAN: Good morning. I would like some aftershave please
CHEMIST2: Certainly sir. Walk this way please.
MAN: If I could walk that well I wouldn't need aftershave.
(MAN is forcefully removed from sketch by CONSTABLE)
(Cut to same chemist's, but new sign, "Not at all Naughty Chemists Ltd.", CHEMIST3 holding same sign)
MAN (Eric Idle): Good morning
CHEMIST3 (Michael Palin): Good morning sir! Can I help you?
MAN: Yes I would like some aftershave.
CHEMIST3: Ah yes a toilet requisit-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. Would you like to try this sir? It's our very latest. It called "Sea Mist"
MAN: (smells it) (not enthused) Mmm. Quite like it.
CHEMIST3: How bout something a little bit more musky? This ones called "Minnow."
MAN: (Smells it) Not really no. Have you got anything a bit fishier?
CHEMIST3: Fish fish fish A fishy requisit-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t.
MAN: Like halibut or sea bass.
CHEMIST3: Or pream?
CHEMIST3: We haven't got any of that. I've got mackerel or cod or hake.
MAN: You haven't got anything more halibut-ish.
CHEMIST3: Uhh. We've got parrot. What's that doing there!? Or skate with just a hint of prawn. Or crab, tiger, and almonds…very unusual.
MAN: I really had my heart set on halibut.
CHEMIST3: Well, sir we had a fishy consignment this morning. I could go nip into the basement and see if I could up trumps with this requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. That was halibut or…?
MAN: Sea bass.
CHEMIST3: Or sea bass. Won't be a moment-t-t-t-t-t-t.
(CHEMIST3 leaves and camera zooms onto MAN. After a moment, MAN looks around eventually to the camera. Then looks into the camera)
MAN: Sorry about this. (Hums) Normally we try to avoid these little pauses "longeures". Only dramatically he has gone down to the basement, you see. Course there really isn't a basement. He just goes off and we pretend. (Laughs, appearing nervous now) Actually what happens is that he just goes there off camera and just waits there it looks as though he has gone down to the basement. (Camera is tighter on his face. He is not nervous, but irritated. Looks over to CHEMIST3 off-stage) Actually, I think he is over-doing it. Ahh!
CHEMIST3: Ahh! (Startled, jumps, and rushes to set)
CHEMIST3: Uhhh. (Out of breath) Sorry sir! Lot of steps. (MAN winks to camera) I'm sorry sir. It didn't come in this morning, but we have got some at our Kensington branch. I'll just nip down there and get it for you.
MAN: How long will that be?
CHEMIST3: Twenty minutes
MAN: Twenty minutes! (CHEMIST3 runs out. MAN looking very concerned. A lady with a note-pole give MAN a note) Ooh! (Reading stiffly) I wonder what other uses people have for aftershave lotion.
(Cut to Mr. Gumby on street)
MR. GUMBY (Michael Palin): I use a body rub called "Halitosis". It makes my breath seem sweet.
MR. GUMBY (John Cleese): I use an aftershave called "Semmmmprini".
(CONSTABLE forces him off-camera)
CHEMIST3: Uh sorry sorry can't stop now. I've got to get to Kensington.
Spanish Inquisition Cardinal (Michael Palin): I use two kinds of aftershave lotion: Frankincense, myrrh, and…Three! Kinds of aftershave lotion: frankincense, myrrh, sem…Four kinds of aftershave lotion: Frankincense, myrrh…
MAN ON STREET (Graham Chapman): I have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad. Then I go mad one, mad two, mad three, mad four!
HOMELESS MAN (Michael Palin): I use rancid pole cat. It keeps my skin nice and scale-y.
CHEMIST3: Ahh! Sorry again can't stop; I've got to get back
(cut to chemists shop where MAN is moving the clock on the wall 20 minutes ahead, as a title card says, "20 Mins Later")
CHEMIST3: Well, I am afraid they don't have it at the Kensington place but they have some in Aberdeen.
CHEMIST3: It's all right. I have a car.
MAN: No, no, no! Ill take have the crab tiger and…
CHEMIST3: And almond requisit-t-t-t-t-t-t-t
(Large man walks in wearing an overcoat and hat, he tries to look inconspicuous. An extra hand appears from the coat and takes a product off of the counter. MAN looks and alerts CHEMIST3, who catches the thief and blows a whistle)
CONSTABLE (Graham Chapman): Right Right RIGHT! Now then, now then.
CHEMIST3: Aren't you going to say, "What's all this then?"
CONSTABLE: Oh. What's all this then?
CHEMIST3: This man has been shoplifting officer.
CONSTABLE: Oh yes?
CONSTABLE: Are you trying to tell me my job?
CHEMIST3: No! But he's been shoplifting.
CONSTABLE: Look I must warn you anything you may say will be ignored. And further more I'll put my fist through your teeth (punches him) Fa-tang Fa-tang!
MAN: But this man has been shoplifting.
CONSTABLE: (To MAN) Look I've had enough of you, you're under arrest. (Puts arms out, like an aeroplane) Wee! (Machine gun noises)
CHEMIST3: Officer, it wasn't him. He's the shoplifter.
Man in Coat: No I'm not
(A man's head pops out of coat): No he's not. I'm a witness.
CONSTABLE: (To CHEMIST3) One more peep out of you and I'll do you for heresy.
CHEMIST3: Heresy?! Blimey, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
CONSTABLE: All right. Fa-tang Fa-tang! (Punches CHEMIST3) Whoa, that's nice. (Takes a bottle from counter and puts it in his pocket) Right! I'm taking you along to the station. (Forces MAN out of Chemist's)
MAN: What for?
CONSTABLE: For illegal possession of what ever we happen to have down there. Right. Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin (rocket noises) Come in. (sings as he walks out with MAN) Rain drops keep falling on my head. But that doesn't mean that my …
Title card: "An Apology"
John Cleese voice over: the BBC would like to apologize to the police of the character of police Constable Pan-Am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut was the product of a disordered mind, and should not be construed to any other significance.
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