Title: Confuse-A-Cat
Transcribed by: Brittany K.
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus video volume 3

[HUSBAND (Michael Palin) and WIFE (Terry Jones) are in a country style modest lounge staring out of a window. The words, "Suburban Lounge Near Esher" flash onto the screen. They are looking at a cat sitting on the lawn, when we hear the sound of a car pull up. HUSBAND and WIFE go to the door]

HUSBAND: Oh good, that'll be the vet dear.

WIFE: I better go and let him in [She goes to answer the door]

WIFE: It's the vet dear.

HUSBAND: Very glad, indeed that you could come 'round, sir.

VET (Graham Chapman): Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me, I'm a vet you know.

WIFE (Panicked): See, tell him, dear.


WIFE (interrupting): …It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.

VET: Is it dead?

WIFE and HUSBAND: No, no.

VET: Thank god for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was (dramatic pause) too late! (Looks into camera) If only more people would call in the nick of time!

WIFE: He just sits there all day and everyday.

HUSBAND: …and at night!

WIFE (to MAN): Shh!

WIFE: …almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.

HUSBAND: …and his milk!

WIFE: Shh! He doesn't do anything, he just sits there.

VET: Are you at your wit's end?

WIFE: Diffidently (HUSBAND about to speak) Shh! Yes.

VET: I see then I think I might be able to help you. (He sits, and signals others to do so.) You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia.
Absence of interest in his ambiance, what we vets call, "environment."
Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli, a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird, to be blunt, your cat (takes of glasses) is in a rut. (HUSBAND and WIFE hold each other as they grow worried) It's the old stockbroker syndrome. The suburban fantasy, angst. Call it what you will.

WIFE: Moping. (as she cries)

VET: In a way, in a way. (face grows worried) "Moping", must remember that. Now then what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?

HUSBAND: Well we…

WIFE: Shh! No.

VET: Well, I can diffidently say that your cat badly needs to be confused.


WIFE: Shh! What?

VET: Confused, to be shaken out of its state of compliancy. I'm afraid I am not personally qualified to confuse cats but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card. (Hands HUSBAND a half sheet of paper; WIFE rips it out of his hands)

WIFE (reading with HUSBAND echoing): "Confuse a cat limited" Oh?

[Cut to the front of the house. A moving truck pulls up with "Confuse-A-Cat, LTD" written on it. Six people come out of the back of the truck and one with a clipboard comes from the front]

SERGEANT: Eyes front. Deck officers! Confusers! Huh!

[An old black car pulls up and a man in uniform, GENERAL (John Cleese) steps out. He addresses the team leader]

GENERAL: Ah now men we've got a pretty little cat to confuse. Jolly good, Captain.

CAPTAIN: Get out of the van [One of the movers tries to move] wait for it … get out the funny things! Move, move!

[Cut to backyard with crew constructing a stage with CAPTAIN barking orders at them. Often, a cut of the cat sitting is shown. Soon the crew is done and all line up for inspection of GENERAL. He gives the ok and confusing commences]

GENERAL: Right men. Confuse the (pause) cat.

[Cut to full shot of stage. All through out snare drum is used to mimic sounds. All throughout stop-motion filming is used to make things appear, disappear, or 'slide'.
Red curtains are drawn revealing a man (Michael Palin) with one leg and a crutch in colonial period dress. The man disappears and two boxers appear, Eric Idle in the YELLOW shorts and Michael Palin in BLUE shorts. As they box around a bowler hat appears on BLUE's head then YELLOW's head and back. The hat switches styles and is now a top hat. Then a fez is added. BLUE then is wearing a habit and YELLOW is wearing a hat with four corners. BLUE suddenly changes into a colonial style military uniform and knocks out YELLOW who 'slides' away. BLUE still wearing uniform 'slides' from stage left to right and back on one foot.
Then a CONSTABLE appears along with a PENGUIN on a pogo stick who hops clumsily around. A shot of CAT watching is shown. PENGUIN turns into a garbage can with a lid as YELLOW 'slides' off stage. CONSTABLE removes lid of can and YELLOW pops out of can. Cut to shot of MAN, LADY, and GENERAL watching, then CAT watching. Next a man with a TOWEL (Eric Idle) around him jumps out of can covering his chest and lands on a chair that appeared next to CONSTABLE. TOWEL jumps and disappears. CONSTABLE sits in chair. YELLOW points to a cannon that has appeared and it fires. CONSTABLE is gone.
TOWEL jumps out of can then is chased by PENGUIN. As YELLOW claps his hands TOWEL appears and disappears and is chased by PENGUIN. He appears out of a second garbage can. PENGUIN appears out of the first and hits TOWEL with a fish. Cut to CAT. Cut to stage were PENGUIN, CONSTABLE, TOWEL, a chef, and YELLOW are lined up and take a bow. They disappear as they jump up]

GENERAL: Hope to god it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.

[Cut to CAT standing and walking into the house past MAN, LADY, and GENERAL]

WIFE: Oh, I can't believe it!

HUSBAND: Neither can I, sir! It's just like to old days.

WIFE: He's cured thank you, General!

HUSBAND: What can we ever do to repay you?

GENRERAL (looks into camera): Nothing. It's all in a days work for Confuse-A-Cat. [Horns play bold music as credits roll by
"Confuse-A-Cat Limited
Amaze-A-Vole LTD.
Stun-A-Stoat LTD.
Puzzle-A-Puma LTD.
Startle-A-Thompson's Gazelle LTD.
Bewilderebeest INC.
Distract-A-Bee ]

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