- Monty Python Live at Drury Lane -
1. Introduction 3
2. Llamas (including "Granada") 3
3. Gumby-flower Arranging 3
4. Terry Jones-link 3
5. Secret Service 3
6. Wrestling 3
7. Communist Quiz (Including World in Action) 3
8. Idiot Song 3
9. Albatross 4
10. Colonel 4
11. Nudge, nudge 4
12. Cocktail Bar 4
13. Travel Agent 4
14. Spot the Brain Cell 4
15. Bruces Song 5
16. Argument Song 5
17. Four Yorkshiremen 5
18. Election Special (A) Prestige Theme (B) We'll keep a
welcome 5
(C) Raindrops keep falling on my head 5
(D) Don't sleep in the subway (E) Climb every mountain 5
19. Lumberjack Song 7
20. Theme Song "Liberty Bell" 7
21. Parrot sketch 7
22. Theme Song "Liberty Bell" 7
1. INTRODUCTION
(Gustaf Sjöblom May 1995)
Cast:
Introducer: Eric Idle
Introducer: Hello, and welcome to London's Theatre Royal, Drury
Lane. Here tonight, before an uninvited audience and in the
gratious presence of Her Dummy Royal Highness, we'll be seeing
jokes, many of which are appearing for the very last time
before retiring. Amongst the glittering audience here tonight I
can see, uhm...what's his name, uhm, the-the fellow with the
glasses on the telly. And next to him is,uhm...oh, uh, the lady
with the big knockers in the jam commercial. Oh, and now Her
Dummy Royal Highness has given the traditional royal sign to
the audience and the performance is about to begin. The lights
fade, the audience is hushed and another great chapter is about
to be written in the history of Drury Lane.
2. LLAMAS (INCLUDING "GRANADA")
(Gustaf Sjöblom May 1995)
JC: Señores, señors, señoritas! Buenas noches!
All: Buenas noches!
JC:
3. GUMBY-FLOWER ARRANGING
(Gustaf Sjöblom May 1995)
Cast:
EI: Tonight's talk on flower arranging is given by the reader
and comparative flower arrangement at the University of Vanessa
Redgrave, Mr. D.P. Gumby!
Good evening! First take a bunch of flowers! Putting down here
tulips, chrysantheums-ding-ding...munum! Them...arrange them in
a vase!
4. TERRY JONES-LINK
(Gustaf Sjöblom May 1995)
TJ: And so the show had begun! Please send in the young boys
and the girl! It was their chance of a lifetime! A dram come
true! The spotlight was on them, fame stood tiptoes in the
wings...
5. SECRET SERVICE
6. WRESTLING
7. COMMUNIST QUIZ (INCLUDING WORLD IN ACTION)
8. IDIOT SONG
Cast:
Singer: Neil Innes
Singer: And now, a song for the sensitive.
Singer:
How sweet to be an idiot,
As harmless as a cloud,
Too small to hide the sun
Almost poking fun,
At the warm but insecure untidy crowd.
How sweet to be an idiot,
And dip my brain in joy,
Children laughing at my back,
With no fear of attack,
As much retaliation as a toy.
How sweet to be an idiot, how sweet.
I tiptoed down the street,
Smiled at everyone I meet,
But suddently a scream,
Smashes through my dream,
Fie fye foe fum,
I smell the blood of an asylum,
(Blood of an asylum,
But mother I play so beautifully,
listen. ha ha)
Fie fye foe fum,
I smell the blood of the asylum,
Hey you, you're such a pennant,
You got as much brain as a dead ant,
As much inagination as a caravan sign.
But I still love you, still love you,
Oooh how sweet to be an idiot,
How sweet. How sweet. How sweet.
9. ALBATROSS
10. COLONEL
11. NUDGE, NUDGE
12. COCKTAIL BAR
13. TRAVEL AGENT
14. SPOT THE BRAIN CELL
(Banal intro music)
Ghastly Quizmaster: Hello, good evening and welcome to the very
final edition of your favourite television quiz programme Spot
the Braincell. Thirty minutes of cheerful ritual humiliation of
the old and greedy. And could we have our first contestant,
please!
(Piano chords. Hostess (Chapman in drag) escorts Old ratbag
(Jones in drag) onto stage.)
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha ... ha ha ha. Good evening, Madam!
And your name is?
Ratbag: Yes, Michael.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha! Jolly good -- and what is your
name?
Ratbag: I go to church regularly.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha, I see. And which particular prize
do you have eyes for this evening?
Ratbag: I'd like the blow on the head.
Ghastly Quizmaster: The blow -- on the head!
Ratbag: Yes, just there, where it hurts.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Jolly good! Well now Madam your first
question for the blow on the head this evening is: Which great
opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of
psychological phenomena to a physical state and insists there
is no point of contact between the extended and the unextended?
Ratbag: I don't know that.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Well -- have a guess!
Ratbag: Oh... Henri Bergson?
Ghastly Quizmaster: ...is the correct answer! (Piano chords)
Ratbag: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha!
Ratbag: I don't like darkies.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha (maniacal cackle) She doesn't like
darkies. Ha ha ha. Who does? Ha ha ha! Well now, Mrs Scum, your
second question for the blow on the head is: What is the main
food eaten by penguins? What is the principal food that
penguins eat?
Ratbag: Pork luncheon meat.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Spam.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, no, no, no. Penguins. Penguins.
Ratbag: Horses.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Armchairs.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, no. All right, take it easy. I'll give
you a clue. (Does fish impression, opening and closing mouth,
puffing up face etc.)
Ratbag: Oh, I know, I know, I know! Brian Clough!
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, ha ha, no.
Ratbag: Brian Johnstone.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Brian Inglis.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Brian Forbes.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, ha ha.
Ratbag: Nanette Newman.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, ha ha (cackles). No, now listen, I'll
give you one more clue, one more clue. What lives in the sea
and gets caught in nets?
Ratbag: Goats.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, no.
Ratbag: A buffalo with an aqualung.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Reginald Maudling.
Ghastly Quizmaster: (Pause) Yes, that's near enough. I'll give
you that. (Piano) Right, now you have won tonight's star prize.
Do you still want the blow on the head?
Ratbag: Oh, yes please, Michael.
Ghastly Quizmaster: (Deliberate Pause) I'm offering you a poke
in the eye...
Ratbag: No no.
Ghastly Quizmaster: All right then, a punch in the throat.
Ratbag: No.
Ghastly Quizmaster: My very last offer Mrs Scum -- a knee in
the temple and a dagger up the clitoris! (Piano) (Audience
cries of "Take the Money!" etc)
Ratbag: That's very tempting, I've never had one up there
before! No, I'll still have the blow on the head.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Right, the blow on the head. Mrs Scum, you
have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the (cackles) (16
ton weight falls on Ratbag).
End of file BRAINCEL PYTHON 7/14/87
15. BRUCES SONG
16. ARGUMENT SONG
17. FOUR YORKSHIREMEN
18. ELECTION SPECIAL (A) PRESTIGE THEME (B) WE'LL KEEP A
WELCOME
(C) RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD
(D) DON'T SLEEP IN THE SUBWAY (E) CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
(Racy music)
John Cleese (talking very fast, as do all the commentators):
Hello, good evening and welcome to Election Night Special.
There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we should
be getting the first results through any moment now. We're not
sure where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West
Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm
just getting...I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my left
ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now
let's go straight over to Leicester.
Michael Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and
we're expecting the result any moment now. There with the
Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and
next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with
his agent and his silly wife.
Eric Idle: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester.
Arthur J. Smith...
John Cleese: (Sensible Party)
Eric Idle: ...30,612. (applause) Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett
Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
John Cleese: (Silly Party)
Eric Idle: ...33,108. (applause)
John Cleese: Well there we have the first result of the
election and the Silly party has held Leicester. Norman.
Michael Palin: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the
Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number
of votes cast. Gerald.
Graham Chapman: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly
Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
Michael Palin: I think one should point out that in this
constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people
have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot
of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other
side of number er, 29.
John Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Eric Idle: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been
on television?
John Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going
straight over to Luton.
Graham Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered
contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible
Party), Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang F'tang
Ole Biscuit-Barrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who
is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.
Woman: Alan Jones...
John Cleese: (Sensible)
Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong...
John Cleese: (Slightly Silly)
Woman: Nought. Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang
F'tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel...
John Cleese: (Silly)
Woman: 12,441. (applause)
John Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result of the
election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.
Michael Palin: Well this is a very significant result. Luton,
normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of
people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
John Cleese: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with
him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.
Eric Idle: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?
Tarquin (Palin): Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly
noises including a goat bleating).
John Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton?
Graham Chapman: Er... no.
John Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that.
Colin?
Eric Idle: Can I just say that this is the second time I've
been on television?
John Cleese: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about
to get another result.
Michael Palin: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very
interesting constituency this: in addition to the official
Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in
the slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote
here at Harpenden Southeast.
Terry Jones: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
John Cleese: (Silly)
Terry Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker...
John Cleese: (Sensible)
Terry Jones: 26,318...
John Cleese: Very close!
Terry Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool
Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael
(rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does
train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings)
"We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (makes
silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise)
"Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith...
John Cleese: (Very Silly)
Terry Jones: ...two.
John Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at
Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.
Michael Palin: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony
Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly
Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Eric Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not
a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this
performance?
Kevin Phillips Bong: Not at all. As I always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
(Sings) A dream that will last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream...
John Cleese: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Michael Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is
ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.
John Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?
Eric Idle: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television
again?
John Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up
a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has
taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals
there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest,
that's Enoch Powell's old constituency -- an important gain
there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols --
that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec
Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small
piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar
and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all
gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in Blackpool Central. And so it's
beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect
of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't
want to do this any more, I'm bored!
Michael Palin: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of
time.
Graham Chapman: Absolute waste of time.
Michael Palin: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...
end of file ELECTION PYTHON
19. LUMBERJACK SONG
20. THEME SONG "LIBERTY BELL"
21. PARROT SKETCH
22. THEME SONG "LIBERTY BELL"
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