Title: Pilate's Chamber
From: Monty Python's Life of Brian
Transcribed By: Dwayne A. X. E. E. ( CS107124@YUSOL )
Edited By: Adam Fogg
(Brian is hauled into Pilate's audience chamber. It is big and impressive,
although a certain amount of redecorating is underway. The Centurion salutes.)
Centurion: Hail Caesar.
Pilate: Hail Caesar.
Centurion: Only one survivor, Sir.
Pilate: Thwow him to the floor.
Centurion: What, Sir?
Pilate: Thwow him to the floor.
(He motions to the two Roman guards, who throw Brian to the ground.)
Pilate: Now, what is your name, Jew?
Pilate: Bwian, eh?
Brian: (trying to be helpful) No, *Brian*.
(The Centurion cuffs him.)
Pilate: The little wascal has thpiwit.
Centurion: Has what, sir?
Centurion: Yes, he did, sir.
Pilate: No, no, thpiwit...bwavado...a touch of dewwing-do.
Centurion: (still not really understanding) Ah. About eleven, sir.
Pilate: (to Brian) So you dare to waid uth.
Brian: (rising to his feet) To what?
Pilate: Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
Centurion: And throw him to the floor, Sir?
Centurion: THWOW him to the floor again, Sir?
Pilate: Oh, yeth. Thwow him to the floor.
(The Centurion knocks Brian hard on the side of the head again and
the two guards throw him to the floor.)
Pilate: Now, Jewith wapscallion.
Brian: I'm not Jewish ... I'm a Roman!
Brian: No, *ROMAN*.
(But he's not quick enough to avoid another blow from the Centurion.)
Pilate: Tho, your father was a *WOMAN*. Who wath he?
Brian: (proudly) He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison.
Pilate: Oh. What was his name?
Brian: Nortius Maximus.
(An involuntary titter arises from the Centurion.)
Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well...no, sir.
Pilate: You sound vewwy sure...have you checked?
Centurion: Well...no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir...like...Sillius
Soddus, or...Biggus Dickus.
Pilate: What's so funny about Bigguth Dickuth?
Centurion: Well,...it's a...a joke name, sir.
Pilate: I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Bigguth Dickuth.
(Involuntary laughter from a nearby guard surprises Pilate.)
Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
(The guard tries to stop giggling. Pilate turns away from him. He is angry.)
Brian: Can I go now sir...
(The Centurion strikes him.)
Pilate: Wait till Bigguth hears of this!
(The guard immediately breaks up again. Pilate turns on him.)
Pilate: Wight! Centuwion...take him away.
Centurion: Oh sir, he only....
Pilate: I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
Centurion: Yes, sir.
(He starts to drag out the wretched guard. Brian notices that
little attention is being paid to him.)
Pilate: I will not have my fwendth widiculed by the common tholdiewy.
(He walks slowly towards the other guards.)
Pilate: Now...anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend-
(He goes right up to one of the guards.)
Biggus ... Dickus. He has a wife you know.
(The guards tense up.)
(The guards relax.)
(The guards fall about laughing. Brian takes advantage of the
chaos to slip away.)
Thilenth! I've had enough of this wowdy webel behaviour. Thtop it!
You call yourselves Pawaetonian guards? Thilence!
(But the guards are all hysterical by now. Pilate notices
You cwowd of cwacking-up cweeps. Theize him! Blow your noses and
theize him! Oh, my bum.
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