Title: A Pet Shop Somewhere Near Melton Mowbray
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
  Transcribed By: unknown
       Edited By: Adam Fogg 


       Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the
            counter]
       Man: no, I want a cat really.
Shopkeeper: [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if
            it is a different box] Oh yeah, how about that?
       Man: [looking in box] No, that's the terrier.
Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.
       Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its
            snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a
            lovely pussy cat.
       Man: Its not a proper cat.
Shopkeeper: What do you mean?
       Man: Well it wouldn't miaow.
Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.
       Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
Shopkeeper: No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll
            tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good,
            strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of
            your own choice. [taking small box and rattling it] No problem.
            Lovely parrot.
       Man: How long would that take?
Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling]
            Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
     Harry: [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then
            I got the frogs to let out.
Shopkeeper: Friday?
       Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you
            what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could
            do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little
            pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold
            paint, make good ...
       Man: You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.
       Man: Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.

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