Title: Stake Your Claim
            From: Monty Python's Previous Record
  Transcribed By: Jonathan Partington ( JRP1@PHX.CAM.AC.UK )


Game Show Host (John Cleese):  Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim.
			       First this evening we have Mr Norman Voles of
			       Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's
			       works.  Mr Voles, I understand you claim that
			       you wrote all those plays normally attributed to
			       Shakespeare?
 
Voles (Michael Palin): That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I
wrote his sonnets.
 
Host: Mr Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the
early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?
 
Voles: 43.
 
Host: Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays
performed over 300 years before you were born?
 
Voles: Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.
 
Host: Ah!
 
Voles: There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm
afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular
point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!
 
Host: Mr Voles, thank you very much for coming along.
 
Voles: My pleasure.
 
Host: Next we have Mr Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj
Mahal.
 
Wymiss (Eric Idle): No.
 
Host: I'm sorry?
 
Wymiss: No. No.
 
Host: I thought you cla...
 
Wymiss: Well I did but I can see I won't last a minute with you.
 
Host: Next...
 
Wymiss: I was right!
 
Host: ... we have Mrs Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla... Mrs
Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?
 
Mittelschmerz (Graham Chapman in drag): That I can burrow through an elephant.
 
Host: (Pause) Now you've changed your claim, haven't you. You know
we haven't got an elephant.
 
Mittelschmerz: (Insincerely) Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!
 
Host: You're not fooling anybody, Mrs Mittelschmerz. In your letter
you quite clearly claimed that ... er ... you could be thrown off
the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be
buried.
 
Mittelschmerz: No, you can't read my writing.
 
Host: It's typed.
 
Mittelschmerz: It says 'elephant'.
 
Host: Mrs Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I'm not
prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!
 
Mittelschmerz: Here, no, leave me alone!
 
(Sound of wind and sea).
 
Mittelschmerz: Oooaaahh! (SPLOSH)