- Monty Python Live at Drury Lane -

1. Introduction                                            3
2. Llamas (including "Granada")                            3
3. Gumby-flower Arranging                                  3
4. Terry Jones-link                                        3
5. Secret Service                                          3
6. Wrestling                                               3
7. Communist Quiz (Including World in Action)              3
8. Idiot Song                                              3
9. Albatross                                               4
10. Colonel                                                4
11. Nudge, nudge                                           4
12. Cocktail Bar                                           4
13. Travel Agent                                           4
14. Spot the Brain Cell                                    4
15. Bruces Song                                            5
16. Argument Song                                          5
17. Four Yorkshiremen                                      5
18. Election Special (A) Prestige Theme (B) We'll keep a
welcome                                                    5
(C) Raindrops keep falling on my head                      5
(D) Don't sleep in the subway (E) Climb every mountain     5
19. Lumberjack Song                                        7
20. Theme Song "Liberty Bell"                              7
21. Parrot sketch                                          7
22. Theme Song "Liberty Bell"                              7
                        1. INTRODUCTION
(Gustaf Sj÷blom May 1995)

Introducer: Eric Idle

Introducer: Hello, and welcome to London's Theatre Royal, Drury
Lane.  Here  tonight, before an uninvited audience and  in  the
gratious presence of Her Dummy Royal Highness, we'll be  seeing
jokes,  many  of  which are appearing for the  very  last  time
before retiring. Amongst the glittering audience here tonight I
can  see,  uhm...what's his name, uhm, the-the fellow with  the
glasses on the telly. And next to him is,uhm...oh, uh, the lady
with  the big knockers in the jam commercial. Oh, and  now  Her
Dummy  Royal Highness has given the traditional royal  sign  to
the  audience and the performance is about to begin. The lights
fade, the audience is hushed and another great chapter is about
to be written in the history of Drury Lane.

                2. LLAMAS (INCLUDING "GRANADA")
(Gustaf Sj÷blom May 1995)

JC: Se˝ores, se˝ors, se˝oritas! Buenas noches!
All: Buenas noches!
                   3. GUMBY-FLOWER ARRANGING
(Gustaf Sj÷blom May 1995)


EI:  Tonight's talk on flower arranging is given by the  reader
and comparative flower arrangement at the University of Vanessa
Redgrave, Mr. D.P. Gumby!
Good  evening! First take a bunch of flowers! Putting down here
tulips, chrysantheums-ding-ding...munum! Them...arrange them in
a vase!

                      4. TERRY JONES-LINK
(Gustaf Sj÷blom May 1995)

TJ:  And  so the show had begun! Please send in the young  boys
and  the  girl! It was their chance of a lifetime! A dram  come
true!  The  spotlight was on them, fame stood  tiptoes  in  the

                       5. SECRET SERVICE
                         6. WRESTLING
                         8. IDIOT SONG

Singer: Neil Innes

Singer: And now, a song for the sensitive.

How sweet to be an idiot,
As harmless as a cloud,
Too small to hide the sun
Almost poking fun,
At the warm but insecure untidy crowd.
How sweet to be an idiot,
And dip my brain in joy,
Children laughing at my back,
With no fear of attack,
As much retaliation as a toy.

How sweet to be an idiot, how sweet.

I tiptoed down the street,
Smiled at everyone I meet,
But suddently a scream,
Smashes through my dream,
Fie fye foe fum,
I smell the blood of an asylum,
    (Blood of an asylum,
     But mother I play so beautifully,
     listen. ha ha)
Fie fye foe fum,
I smell the blood of the asylum,
Hey you, you're such a pennant,
You got as much brain as a dead ant,
As much inagination as a caravan sign.

But I still love you, still love you,
Oooh how sweet to be an idiot,
How sweet. How sweet. How sweet.
                         9. ALBATROSS
                          10. COLONEL
                       11. NUDGE, NUDGE
                       12. COCKTAIL BAR
                       13. TRAVEL AGENT
                    14. SPOT THE BRAIN CELL

(Banal intro music)

Ghastly Quizmaster: Hello, good evening and welcome to the very
final edition of your favourite television quiz programme  Spot
the Braincell. Thirty minutes of cheerful ritual humiliation of
the  old  and  greedy. And could we have our first  contestant,

(Piano  chords.  Hostess (Chapman in drag) escorts  Old  ratbag
(Jones in drag) onto stage.)

Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha ... ha ha ha. Good evening, Madam!
And your name is?
Ratbag: Yes, Michael.
Ghastly  Quizmaster: Ha ha ha! Jolly good -- and what  is  your
Ratbag: I go to church regularly.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha, I see. And which particular prize
do you have eyes for this evening?
Ratbag: I'd like the blow on the head.
Ghastly Quizmaster: The blow -- on the head!
Ratbag: Yes, just there, where it hurts.
Ghastly  Quizmaster:  Jolly good! Well  now  Madam  your  first
question for the blow on the head this evening is: Which  great
opponent   of  Cartesian  dualism  resists  the  reduction   of
psychological  phenomena to a physical state and insists  there
is no point of contact between the extended and the unextended?
Ratbag: I don't know that.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Well -- have a guess!
Ratbag: Oh... Henri Bergson?
Ghastly Quizmaster: ...is the correct answer! (Piano chords)
Ratbag: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha!
Ratbag: I don't like darkies.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Ha ha ha (maniacal cackle) She doesn't like
darkies. Ha ha ha. Who does? Ha ha ha! Well now, Mrs Scum, your
second  question for the blow on the head is: What is the  main
food  eaten  by  penguins?  What is  the  principal  food  that
penguins eat?
Ratbag: Pork luncheon meat.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Spam.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, no, no, no. Penguins.    Penguins.
Ratbag: Horses.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Armchairs.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, no. All right, take it easy. I'll  give
you  a  clue. (Does fish impression, opening and closing mouth,
puffing up face etc.)
Ratbag: Oh, I know, I know, I know! Brian Clough!
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, ha ha, no.
Ratbag: Brian Johnstone.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Brian Inglis.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Brian Forbes.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, ha ha.
Ratbag: Nanette Newman.
Ghastly  Quizmaster: No, ha ha (cackles). No, now listen,  I'll
give  you one more clue, one more clue. What lives in  the  sea
and gets caught in nets?
Ratbag: Goats.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No, no.
Ratbag: A buffalo with an aqualung.
Ghastly Quizmaster: No.
Ratbag: Reginald Maudling.
Ghastly Quizmaster: (Pause) Yes, that's near enough. I'll  give
you that. (Piano) Right, now you have won tonight's star prize.
Do you still want the blow on the head?
Ratbag: Oh, yes please, Michael.
Ghastly Quizmaster: (Deliberate Pause) I'm offering you a  poke
in the eye...
Ratbag: No no.
Ghastly Quizmaster: All right then, a punch in the throat.
Ratbag: No.
Ghastly  Quizmaster: My very last offer Mrs Scum -- a  knee  in
the  temple  and  a  dagger up the clitoris! (Piano)  (Audience
cries of "Take the Money!" etc)
Ratbag:  That's  very tempting, I've never  had  one  up  there
before! No, I'll still have the blow on the head.
Ghastly Quizmaster: Right, the blow on the head. Mrs Scum,  you
have  won  tonight's star prize, the blow on the (cackles)  (16
ton weight falls on Ratbag).

End of file BRAINCEL PYTHON 7/14/87
                        15. BRUCES SONG
                       16. ARGUMENT SONG
                     17. FOUR YORKSHIREMEN

(Racy music)

John  Cleese  (talking very fast, as do all the  commentators):
Hello,  good  evening  and welcome to Election  Night  Special.
There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we  should
be  getting the first results through any moment now. We're not
sure  where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West
Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah,  I'm
just  getting...I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my  left
ear.  Urgh,  argh! (removes insect and stamps on it).  And  now
let's go straight over to Leicester.
Michael Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester  and
we're  expecting  the  result any moment now.  There  with  the
Returning  Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible  candidate  and
next  to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate  with
his agent and his silly wife.

Eric  Idle:  (clears throat) Here is the result for  Leicester.
Arthur J. Smith...
John Cleese: (Sensible Party)
Eric  Idle:  ...30,612.  (applause)  Jethro  Q.  Bunn  Whackett
Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
John Cleese: (Silly Party)
Eric Idle: ...33,108. (applause)

John  Cleese:  Well  there  we have the  first  result  of  the
election and the Silly party has held Leicester. Norman.
Michael Palin: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the
Silly  party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number
of votes cast. Gerald.
Graham  Chapman:  Well there's a big swing here  to  the  Silly
Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
Michael  Palin:  I  think one should point  out  that  in  this
constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people
have moved into new housing estates with the result that a  lot
of  sensible voters have moved further down the road the  other
side of number er, 29.
John Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Eric Idle: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been
on television?
John  Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just  going
straight over to Luton.
Graham  Chapman:  Well  here  at Luton  it's  a  three-cornered
contest  between,  from  left to right,  Alan  Jones  (Sensible
Party),  Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang  F'tang
Ole  Biscuit-Barrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who
is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.

Woman: Alan Jones...
John Cleese: (Sensible)
Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong...
John Cleese: (Slightly Silly)
Woman:  Nought. Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop  F'tang
F'tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel...
John Cleese: (Silly)
Woman: 12,441. (applause)

John  Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result  of  the
election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.
Michael  Palin: Well this is a very significant result.  Luton,
normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of
people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
John  Cleese: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has  with
him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.
Eric Idle: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?
Tarquin (Palin): Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly
noises including a goat bleating).
John Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton?
Graham Chapman: Er... no.
John  Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that.
Eric  Idle:  Can I just say that this is the second  time  I've
been on television?
John  Cleese: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just  about
to get another result.
Michael Palin: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very
interesting  constituency  this: in addition  to  the  official
Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in
the  slab  of concrete, and he could well split the silly  vote
here at Harpenden Southeast.

Terry Jones: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
John Cleese: (Silly)
Terry Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker...
John Cleese: (Sensible)
Terry Jones: 26,318...
John Cleese: Very close!
Terry  Jones:  Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope  Adrian  Blackpool
Rock  Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo  Norman  Michael
(rings  bell)  (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car  horn)  (does
train  impersonation)  (sounds buzzer)  Thomas  Moo...  (sings)
"We'll  keep  a  welcome in the..." (fires gun) William  (makes
silly  noise)  "Raindrops keep falling  on  my"  (weird  noise)
"Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith...
John Cleese: (Very Silly)
Terry Jones: ...two.

John  Cleese:  Well  there you have  it,  a  Sensible  gain  at
Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.
Michael  Palin:  And  we've just heard  from  Luton  that  Tony
Stratton-Smith  has  with him there the  unsuccessful  Slightly
Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Eric Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not
a  sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed  with  this
Kevin Phillips Bong: Not at all. As I always say:
        Climb every mountain
        Ford every stream,
        Follow every by-way,
        Till you find your dream.
        (Sings) A dream that will last
        All the love you can give
        Every day of your life
        For as long as you live.
        All together now!
        Climb every mountain
        Ford every stream...

John Cleese: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Michael  Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt  is
ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.
John Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?
Eric  Idle: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television
John Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up
a  few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has
taken  Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a  gain  from  the  Liberals
there.  Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest,
that's  Enoch  Powell's old constituency -- an  important  gain
there  for  Darkie  Power. Arthur Negus has  held  Bristols  --
that's  not a result, that's just a piece of gossip.  Sir  Alec
Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small
piece  of  putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from  Dunbar
and  two  frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have  all
gone  "Ni  ni ni ni ni ni!" in Blackpool Central. And  so  it's
beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect
of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't
want to do this any more, I'm bored!
Michael  Palin:  He's right you know, it is a bloody  waste  of
Graham Chapman: Absolute waste of time.
Michael Palin: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...

                      19. LUMBERJACK SONG
                 20. THEME SONG "LIBERTY BELL"
                       21. PARROT SKETCH
                 22. THEME SONG "LIBERTY BELL"

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