Title: Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus
            From: 1972 German Special
  Transcribed By: Mr and Mrs and Mrs Zambesi 

This 40-minute episode was, I believe, one of two made specially for
German television.  The captions etc. are in German, but almost all
dialogue is in English (it may of course have been dubbed into German
when originally transmitted).  The Philosophers' football match and
Wrestling sketches both appear in Live at the Hollywood Bowl, and a
shorter version of Happy Valley is on the Previous Record, but the
remaining material is, to the best of my knowledge, `new'.

The commentary [in square brackets] and some character designations are
mine; the rest is a direct transcription from a recording of the episode
as shown on BBC2 in the U.K. in 1993(?).

	[A woodland scene.  To a background of Rossini's "William Tell
	Overture" we see William Tell (Graham) preparing to shoot an
	arrow, and his son's head in close-up bearing an apple.  Others
	look on anxiously, tension mounts; the arrow is fired and
	pierces the apple; the onlookers cheer.  Then a wider camera
	shot reveals the boy riddled with many previous arrows.]

	[Camera pans over a city, then zooms in on three smartly dressed
Reporter (John)  Arthur Schmidt, top international economist, government
	adviser on tariff control, lecturer at Hamburg University,
	author of the Schmidt Plan for Transport Subsidies, simply can't
	resist a bit on the side.  [Schmidt (Eric) lunges away from the
	others and chases a young woman.]  Half a chance, and he's away.

	[Shot of another businessman.]  Norbert Schultz, chairman of
	thirty-two companies and a brilliant fiscal theoretician, but
	one glimpse of a bit of tail and you can forget it.  [Schultz
	(Michael) chases a woman.]  You might not see him for weeks.

	[Two men talking in a stair well, while a woman passes.]
	Professor Thomas Woitkewitsch lectures on Business Studies at
	the Wurtemburg Institute.  Son of the famous industrialist,
	he's always slipping into someone.  Blonde or brunette, if it
	goes he'll chase it [Woitkewitsch (Eric) follows her, undoing
	his trousers.]

	[A committee room.]  These six men have just produced a
	controversial report for the Iron and Steel Advisory Committee
	of the Common Market Secretariat, the most vital decision making
	body in European politics today.  [A tea lady enters; all six
	jump her.]  They're always at it.  Bang, bang, bang.  They're
	worse than rabbits.

	[Various shots of buildings, the City etc.]  Here in Brussels,
	headquarters of the Common Market, prices have soared.  It now
	costs ten pounds for half an hour at her flat, and up to twenty
	pounds for a hotel room with trapeze.  In Rome, agricultural
	experts have spent nearly three weeks having a good time with
	some ladies, and it's rumoured that when the International
	Monetary Fund meets next week in London, it'll be pants down and
	on with the job.  Why are so many of these top financial experts
	so keen to get into bed with young girls, to rub themselves up
	against bare skin, to put their tongues into other people's
	mouths, to put their fingers in tight brassieres and to bury
	their faces in handfuls of underwear?  We asked a sociologist.
Sociologist (Graham) [dressed very strangely, holding a goat]  They're
	probably just confused.
Reporter [to camera]  What exactly is it that makes them want to go to
	bed with these people, and do these apparently irrational things
	to them?  Is it for tax concessions?  Is it allowable
	expenditure against half-yearly profits?  Is it something to do
	with central heating?  Do they eat too much citrus fruit?
	Whatever the reason, in the light of this, should the Common
	Market now be cancelled?  Has it become just a thin excuse for a
	multi-national orgy, or is it still a serious attempt to aid the
	rich?  And will tariff cuts bring more trade, or just a higher
	birth rate?  Even as I speak to you now, in this famous Munich
	bank behind me, there are some people who, seventeen or
	eighteen times a night...  [A car screeches to a halt, knocking
	him over out of shot.]

	[Animated title sequence: "Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus".]

	[A discussion program - caption "Schleimer" {Slimes}; a
	presenter sits between two guests.]
Presenter (Eric)  Good evening.  Tonight, sycophancy.
Thromby (Michael)  What a super title!
Presenter  Shh!  With me tonight is the well-known Bristol sycophant,
	Mr Norman Thromby.
Thromby  Hallo everyone, wherever you are, thanks a million for looking
Presenter  And a man from Glamorgan who is not a sycophant.
Man (Graham)  Hallo. Nice to be here.
Presenter  I thought you weren't a sycophant.
Thromby	 That's right, you tell him Mr chairman, you just tell him.
Man	I'm not a sycophant!  But I do try to be polite to people.
Thromby  Ooh, sounds a bit creepy to me, doesn't it.
Man	It's not creepy!
Reporter [Appearing from left, bandaged.]  This famous TV personality
	has it off...  [He is dragged off camera.]
Presenter  Well I think we'll come back on this point in a few minutes.
Thromby  Oh yes, by far the best idea.  Absolutely right, absoloutely
	right again.
Presenter  First of all, let's see some sycophants on film.

	[Stock film of seals on a rocky shore.]
Voice-Over (Terry J)  The sycophants are one of the largest of marine
	carnivores.  Their soft, furry underbellies made them a
	favourite target for hunters.  Now, on this island, the
	sycophants come to breed every summer, protected by law.  But
	they're not the only breed which has been saved by a small body
	of men determined to preserve the dying species of the world.
	[Shots of wooded mountain scenery.]  Here, in his four thousand
	acre nature reserve in Southern Bavaria, Frank Tutankhamun has
	dedicated his life to preserving mice.  We spoke to his nearby
	neighbour, Mrs Betty Weiss.
Mrs Weiss [a Germanic pepperpot]  Hallo.
Voice-Over Hallo.  Mr Tutankhamun claims that his eight white mice roam
	in these mountains and hills.
Tutankhamun (Terry J)  Well, there's one over there, there's two of the
	little fellows on this plateau here, and I think "Old Squeaky"
	is up on that mountain there.
Voice-Over  Many wildlife preservationists have questioned the need for
	preserving eight mice on these four thousand acres, when there
	are over sixty million of them in nearby Stuttgart alone.
Presenter [back in studio]  Just be another few minutes.
Voice-Over [A Land Rover drives along a country track.]  But Mr
	Tutankhamun is undaunted by criticism, and has recently opened a
	National Fish Park - six hundred acres of pasture and woodland,
	[we can see dead fish suspended from trees] where cod and
	herring can wander freely.  Visitors can drive through the
	reserve and look at the fish [a passenger in the Land Rover
	takes a photo] - provided of course they don't leave their cars.
	The fish wardens work hard, [a man in scuba gear steps out of
	undergrowth near a "FISCHPARK" sign] but so far this year the
	Fish Park has only had six visitors, less than most other zoos;
	indeed, less than most private houses.  We asked the Peruvian
	Minister of Pensions why this was.
Minister (Eric) [In a yucca-laden office.  Caption "PERUANISCHER
	PENSIONSMINISTER".]  Er, well... I suppose it may be...
	[caption "LIVE AUS LIMA"] er... because...
Voice-Over  He hadn't a clue.  But it's mice that are the big business
	here.  [Three cowboys (mouseboys) ride out of "BIG PIEPS
	RANCH".]  And every Monday, Frank Tutankhamun rides out to count
	his herd.  He takes with him three of his most tough and
	hardened mouseboys.  This is mouse country, where a man can ride
	for days and days without seeing his aunty.  But, suddenly
	they're in luck.  Frank has spotted a mouse and the chase is on.
	[One of the mouseboys (Terry G) throws a lasso.  We see a
	lassoed mouse.  The mouseboy is pulled from his horse by the
	rope.]  If it's a mouse Frank hasn't seen before, it's taken
	back to the ranch, broken in by a mouseboy, and branded with a
	big "S".  [Two mouseboys hold down a mouse.  A third approaches
	with a brand, obviously several times the size of the mouse, and
	applies it.]
	Cuddly Toy Saloon}; honky-tonk piano music.  A mouseboy is
	ejected, dusts himself down, takes a saddle from the rail,
	places it over one of three tethered mice and straddles it.  He
	looks up; we hear a thunder of hooves (paws?) approaching.  He
	runs back into the saloon.]
Mouseboy (Terry J)  Hey, mouseboys!  There's a mouse stampede!
	[All run out side and stare in horror.]
	[Animation of mouse stampede.]
Voice-Over  Whilst the mouse herds trample their way south, up in the
	hills there are solitary men seeking the even greater rewards
	that lie in these mountains.  [A prospector examines the
	contents of his pan.]  The single magic word that has
	tantalised man since the dawn of history: "Chickens!"  [We see
	the delighted face of the prospector, then the pan in which a
	live chicken now sits.]  Gabby has spent fifty years panning for
	chicken.  He, like many other prospectors, remembers the Great
	Chicken Rush of '49, when this whole river ran with chickens.
	[Gabby is dancing and cheering.]  Then they were defeated by
	primitive methods.  [Interior shot of mine workings.]  Now they
	are defeated by progress.
Miner (Michael)  Chicken bones!  We've struck chickens!

	[A geologist stands in front of a diagram showing geological
	strata, titled "HUEHNERMINEN von NORD-DAKOTA" {Chicken Mines of
	North Dakota}.]
Geologist (John) [with a strange voice and manner]  Die Huehnerminen
	von Nord-Dakota...  [He runs away, chased by two men in white
	coats pushing a dustbin on wheels.]
Second geologist (Michael)  I'm sorry.  The big chicken mines of North
	Dakota are located in this particular geological strata.  As you
	can see, volcanic activity has caused these igneous rocks to
	expand up through the alluvial shales revealing these rich veins
	of chicken here.  [The first geologist runs past, chased by the
	two men in white coats.]
Voice-Over  [Shot of pit-head.] The men who mine these chickens work at
	the chicken face for long and hard hours, [five miners emerge,
	covered in feathers] in appallingly noisy conditions, sometimes
	going for weeks without seeing their aunties.  [Gilliam picture
	of oil wells.]  Nowadays, every possible means is being used to
	tap the world's hen resources.  [Oil gushes from a well;
	chickens rain from the sky.]

	[Gabby enters assay office and takes chicken from box.]
Gabby (Terry G)	 Here y'are, pure chicken, from up the creek.
	[Assayer weighs chicken and examines it with magnifying
Assayer	(Graham)  I'm sorry, Gabby, that ain't no chicken at all.
Gabby	What?!
Assayer	 It's a fake, Gabby.
Voice-Over  Yes, the first forged chickens had appeared.

Expert (Michael) [Describing a sequence of sepia montages.]  This Rhode
	Island Red was a cleverly reconstructed rabbit.  This Suffolk
	bantam was a hollowed-out eagle, stuffed with lizards and
	badgers.  This Kentish poullet turned out to be a Mr S.P.
	Stebbins.  This herd of broilers was made out of a single camel.
	A most interesting development, but not nearly as interesting as
	this man, [Pull out to a Gilliam cartoon face.] who makes his
Face	Get out of here, I'm busy.
Expert	Oh, sorry.
	[Animation continues.]
	Yes, Heinrich Bonner is a professional flea-buster, capturing,
	breaking and training wild fleas for Europe's leading flea
	circuses.  This year, he's also one of Germany's big hopes in
	the Olympic three-day flea dressage event, and looks a sure bet
	to come away with a medal.  Good luck, Heinrich!

	[Aerial view of Muenchen Olympic stadium.]
Football Commentator (Michael)  Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed
	Olympic stadium, Muenchen [caption "INTERNATIONALE PHILOSOPHIE -
	Rueckspiel" {International Philospohy - Return match}] for the
	second leg of this exciting final.  [German philosophers jog out
	of the dressing room.]  And here come the Germans now, led by
	their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel.  They must surely start favourites
	this afternoon; they've certainly attracted the most attention
	from the press with their team problems.  And let's now see
	their line-up.
	[Caption "DEUTSCHLAND" {Germany}
		 2 I. KANT
		 3 HEGEL
	[High shot of Germans jogging onto pitch.]  The Germans playing
	4-2-4, Leibnitz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and
	Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and
	Heidegger, and the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.
	Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there.

	[Greek philosophers, all in togas, jog from the dressing room.]
	And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half,
	[Caption "GRIECHENLAND" {Greece}
		"1 PLATO
	[High shot of Greeks jogging onto pitch, kicking balls about
	etc.]  Let's look at their team.  As you'd expect, it's a much
	more defensive line-up.  Plato's in goal, Socrates a front-
	runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper, Aristotle very much the
	man in form.  One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

	[An oriental referee, holding a large sandglass, walks down the
	centre line, flanked by two linesmen with haloes.]  Well here
	comes the referee, Kung Fu Tsu Confucius, and his two linesmen,
	St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas.  [Referee spots the ball and
	the captains shake hands.]  And as the two skippers come
	together to shake hands, we're ready for the start of this very
	exciting final.  The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand and...
	[referee blows his whistle] they're off!  [The Germans
	immediately turn away from the ball, hands on chins in deep
	contemplation.]  Nietzsche and Hegel there.  Karl Jaspers number
	seven on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him.  There's
	Beckenbauer.  Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering.
	Schopenhauer.  [Pan to the other end, the Greeks also thinking
	deeply, occasionally gesticulating.]  And now it's the Greeks,
	Epicurus, Plotinus number six.  Aristotle.  Empedocles of
	Acragus and Democratus with him.  There's Archimedes.  Socrates,
	there he is, Socrates.  Socrates there, going through.  [The
	camera follows Socrates past the ball, still on the centre
	spot.]  There's the ball!  There's the ball.  And Nietzsche
	there.  Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.
			    0 : 0"]
	Kant moving up on the outside.  Schlegel's on the left, the
	Germans moving very well in these opening moments.
Anchorman (John) [in the studio]  Well, there you are.  And we'll be
	returning to the match some time in the second half, but right
	now it's time for wrestling.

	[Cut to a wrestling ring containing a Master of Ceremonies.]
Emcee (Michael)  A five round heavyweight contest, three falls, two 
	submissions or a knock-out to decide the winner, between, in the
	red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris [Bomber (Graham) climbs into
	the ring] and, in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris.
	[The bell rings.  Graham begins his stunningly beautiful, but
	mainly visual, self-wrestling routine.]
Wrestling Commentator (John)  Here comes Bomber now, circling round,
	looking for an opening.  He's wrestled himself many times in the
	past, this boy, so he knows practically all his own moves by
	now.  And he's going for the double hand lock.  He's got it.
	Here's the head squeeze.  And the Albanian head lock.  He's
	going for the throw.  He's got the throw.  And now he's working
	on the left leg, this is an old weakness of his.  Oh, but he
	caught himself beautifully there, with the, er, the flying
	Welshman, and now it's the half Nelson.  And he can twist out of
	this.  And he's twisted beautifully into the Finnish leg lock.
	But he didn't like that!  He did not like that one little bit.
	But the referee's not interested, he's waving him on, and
	Bomber's angry now.  Bomber is really angry with himself now.
	And there's a forearm chop and he's gone for the double overhead
	nostril.  Now this is painful, but he caught himself
	beautifully, a really lovely move there.  Now he's going for the
	fall.  The shoulders have to be on the mat for three seconds.
	No, he's twisting out of that, no problem here.  Oh, but he's
	caught himself beautifully there, with the double overhead.
	He's got the double overhead on, I don't think he can get out of
Referee (Terry J) [echoed by commentator]  One!... Two!... Three!
Wrestling Commentator  And that's the first fall to Bomber.  Well, what
	a surprise there.  I think Bomber will have to come back at
	himself pretty fast now, before he gets on top.  And there's the
	forearm smash, and the hammer to the head and he's groggy now,
	and there's the flying Welshman again, and another flying
	Welshman.  And a half-Egyptian.  And he's a little stunned
	there, but he's got the half-crab, and he's got the half-crab,
	and this looks very nasty.  This looks very nasty indeed.  But I
	think Bomber's going to make the ropes.  Is he going to make the
	ropes?  [Bomber inches across and touches the rope.]  Yes, he
	made them.  Well, I think he was a little lucky there, he was in
	a tricky situation, and he's gone straight into the neck pin,
	he's got a neck pin there.  He's in a little trouble, he twists
	out of it.  He looks groggy, and he's caught himself with two
	beautiful forearm smashes and he's out.  I think Bomber's out!
Referee [raising the arm of the inert Bomber]  The winner!
Wrestling Commentator  Yes, he's won.  He has won.
Anchorman  Well what a match. And he'll be going on next week to meet
	himself in the final.  Well right now we're going back to the
	Olympic stadium for the closing minutes of the Philosophy Final,
	and I understand that there's still no score.

	[On the pitch, a German is remonstrating with the referee.]
Football Commentator  Well there may be no score, but there's certainly
	no lack of excitement here.  As you can see, Nietzsche has just
	been booked for arguing with the referee.  He accused Confucius
	of having no free will, and Confucius he say, "Name go in book".
	And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games.  [We see a
	bearded figure in a track-suit is warming up on the touch-line.]
	And who's that?  It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up.  It
	looks as though there's going to be a substitution in the German
	side.  [Marx removes the track-suit, under which he is wearing a
	suit.]  Obviously the manager Martin Luther has decided on all-
	out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match
	to go.  And the big question is, who is he going to replace,
	who's going to come off.  It could be Jaspers, Hegel or
	Schopenhauer, but it's Wittgenstein!  Wittgenstein, who saw his
	aunty only last week, and here's Marx.  [Marx begins some
	energetic knees-up running about.]  Let's see it he can put some
	life into this German attack.  [The referee blows his whistle;
	Marx stops and begins contemplating like the rest.]  Evidently
	not.  What a shame.  Well now, with just over a minute left, a
	replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital.  There's Archimedes,
	and I think he's had an idea.
Archimedes (John) Eureka!  [He runs towards the ball and kicks it.]
Football Commentator  Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to
	Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel [who,
	like all the Germans, is still thinking].  Heraclitus a little
	flick, here he comes on the far post, Socrates is there,
	Socrates heads it in!  Socrates has scored!  The Greeks are
	going mad, the Greeks are going mad.  Socrates scores, got a
	beautiful cross from Archimedes.  The Germans are disputing it.
	Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct
	of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative
	is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination,
	and Marx is claiming it was offside.  But Confucius has answered
	them with the final whistle!  It's all over!  Germany, having
	trounced England's famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and
	Hobbes in the semi-final, have been beaten by the odd goal, and
	let's see it again.  [Replay viewed from behind the goal.]
	There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibnitz doesn't
	have a chance.  And just look at those delighted Greeks.  [The
	Greeks jog delightedly, holding a cup aloft.]  There they are,
	"Chopper" Sophocles, Empedocles of Acragus, what a game he had.
	And Epicurus is there, and Socrates the captain who scored what
	was probably the most important goal of his career.
	[Aerial view of stadium; segue into Gilliam animation]

Presenter  And now for ten seconds of sex.
	[Totally blank screen for ten seconds; sound of clock ticking.]
Presenter  Okay, you can stop now.
Reporter  Why do they go on about it?  Isn't there anything else of
	interest to these people?

	[A customer enters an optician/hearing aid shop.]
Customer (Eric)  Good evening.  I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.
Rogers (John)  I'm sorry?
Customer  I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.
Rogers	I didn't quite catch it.
Customer  I want to buy a hearing aid.
Rogers	Ah, um, er, hang on just one moment sir, I'll just switch the
	radio off.  [He switches it on; music blares forth.]  Right,
	now what was it again?
Customer  What?
Rogers	What was it again?
Customer  I can't hear.
Rogers	What?
Customer  The radio's too loud.
Rogers	Yes, very nice, isn't it.
	[The customer turns off the radio.]
Customer  I'm sorry, I couldn't hear, the radio was too loud.
Rogers	Ah.  Pardon?  I'm sorry, I don't think my hearing aid's working
	properly.  I've only had it a couple of days.  Hang on.  [He
	takes it from his pocket and adjusts it.]  Yes, there we are,
	it's working now.
Customer  Is it good?
	About fourteen pounds.
Customer  Yes, but is it good?
Rogers	No, no, it fits in the pocket here.
Customer  Can you hear me?
Rogers	What?
Customer [louder]  Can you hear me?
Rogers	Oh!  Contact lenses!
Customer  What?
Rogers	You want contact lenses.
Customer  No.
Rogers	Oh, well I'll get Dr Waring then, he does contact lenses.  I
	only do the hearing aids.
	[Waring emerges through a curtain from a back room and bumps
	into a display case.]
Waring (Michael) [to Rogers]  Ah, good morning sir, you want some
	contact lenses do you?
Rogers	What?
Waring	You want some contact lenses, do you?
Rogers	Er, I can't hear what you're saying, Dr Waring.
Waring	I think you need a hearing aid, not contact lenses.
Customer  No, I want the hearing aid.
Waring	Who said that?  Is there someone else in here?
Rogers	What?
Waring	I think there's someone else in here.
Customer  Yes. it's me.  [He waves his hand.]  Here.
Waring	Ah!  You wanted the contact lenses did you?
Customer  No, I want a hearing aid.
Waring	Ah, Mr Rogers will see to you about that.  [calling] Someone to
	see you, Mr Rogers.  He'll be down in a minute.  [to Rogers]
	Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did you, sir?  Would you
	come this way, please.
Rogers	Er, What?
Waring	This way, please.
Rogers	Er, I don't understand, Dr Waring.
Waring	Just in here. [Waring guides him through into the back room.
	After a pause they both emerge.]
Waring	Why didn't you say you were Rogers?  You know my lenses play me
	up sometimes.
Rogers	What?
Waring [to empty space]  Ah, I do apologise most sincerely for the
	inconvenience, sir.  Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did
Customer  No, I wanted a hearing aid.
Waring	Mr Rogers will deal with you, sir.  I'm dealing with this
	gentleman here.  [to empty space] Now would you like to come
	this way, sir, we'll try the contact lenses.  Come on sir.  [He
	guides an invisible customer into the back room.]
Customer  Now, Dr Rogers, I want a hearing aid.
Rogers	Pardon?  I'm sorry, look, I'm worried about Dr Waring.  I think
	he thinks he's with someone.
Waring [from back room]  Hallo!  Hallo!
Customer  Well, had you better go and tell him?
Rogers	No, no, I'd better go and tell him.  [He goes to the back room.]
	Er, Dr Waring!
Waring	Ah, there you are.  I thought I'd lost you.
Rogers	Er, no, no.  Dr Waring, you're not with anybody.
Waring	Well, who's that talking to me then.  Don't be silly, sit down.
Rogers	What?  [Waring takes him into the back room.  After a moment
	they emerge.]
Waring	Why didn't you say you were Rogers?
Rogers [looking at his watch]  About quarter to six.
Waring	Ah, sorry.  [to empty space] Now then you wanted the contact
	lenses, did you sir?
Customer  No, I wanted a hearing aid!
Waring	Ah.  [He turns through three quarters of a circle towards the
	customer.]  So you must be the gentleman who wanted the contact
Customer  No, I want a hearing aid.
Waring	Ah, er, Mr Rogers!  Two gentlemen here would like hearing aids!
Rogers	What?  I can't hear you, Dr Waring, I think it must be my
	hearing aid.  Hang on a moment.  [He adjusts it.]  Aaaah!  Too
	loud, it hurts!  [He hits the side of his head repeatedly.]  Ah,
	that's better.  Wait a moment, I've knocked my contacts out.
	[He begins searching on the floor.  An angry man storms in and
	addresses a display stand next to the customer.]
Complainant (Terry J)  I've come to complain about my contact lenses!
Rogers  What?
Complainant  I've come to complain about my contact lenses!  They're
	terrible.  They've ruined my eyesight.
Waring  But I haven't given you any.
Complainant  You're a liar!
Rogers	What?
Complainant  You swindler!  You money-grabbing quack, sir!
Waring	Don't talk to me like that!
Complainant  I'll talk to you any way I...  [He knocks the display
	stand].  Oh, fisticuffs!  Right!  Oh!  [He punches the display
	stand and throws it to the floor.  Waring attacks a seat amid
	much shouting.  The complainant is meanwhile wrestling the
	display stand out of the door.]
Waring	Oh!  To big for you eh?  Ah!  Break up my shop, would you?  [He
	steps back, trips over Rogers and grabs him.]  I've got him!
Rogers	Help!  Help!  I'm being attacked!  Help me, Dr Waring, I'm being
	attacked.  [They grapple with each other.]
Waring	It's all right, Rogers, I've got him.
Rogers	Quick, I've got him!  Grab his arms.
Waring	I can't, he's got me round the waist.  Never mind, get him to
	the door, we'll throw him out.
Rogers	I'm going to throw him out!
Waring	Attack Mr Rogers, would you?  Well, we're more than a match for
Rogers	Help, he's got me by the throat!
Waring	Go ahead, I've got him by the throat.
Rogers	We're by the door.
Waring	Let's throw him out. One!
Rogers and Waring together  Two!  Three!  [They throw each other out of
	the door.]
Customer [to camera]  You should see them when they've had a couple of
	drinks.  [He takes out a cigar and brandishes it in Groucho Marx
	fashion.]  Goodnight, folks.  Just a fairy tale.

Storyteller (John)  Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lay in a
	valley far, far away in the mountains the most contented kingdom
	the world has ever known.  It was called Happy Valley, and it was
	ruled over by a wise old king called Otto.  And all his subjects
	flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or
	grumblers, because wise King Otto had had them all put to death,
	along with the trade union leaders, many years before.  And all
	the happy folk of Happy Valley sang and danced all day long, and
	anyone who was for any reason miserable or unhappy or who had any
	difficult personal problem was prosecuted under the Happiness
Prosecution (Michael)  Caspar Schlitz, I put it to you that you were, on
	February 5th this year, very depressed with malice aforethought,
	and did moan quietly, contrary to the Cheerful Noises Act.
Schlitz (Terry G)  I did.
Defence (Eric)  May I just explain, m'lud, that the reason for my
	client's behaviour was that his wife had just died that morning.
	[All except the accused laugh uproariously.]
Judge (Graham)  Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?
Foreman  Guilty.  [All laugh again.]
Judge [donning red nose]  I hereby sentence you to be hanged by the neck
	until you cheer up.  [All laugh.]
Storyteller  And while the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously
	frolicked away, their wise old king, who was a merry old thing,
	played strange songs on his Hammond organ all day long, up in his
	castle where he lived with his gracious Queen Syllabub, and their
	lovely daughter Princess Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and
	an enchanting smile and a fine wit, and wooden teeth which she'd
	bought in a chemist's in Augsburg, despite the fire risk.  She
	treasured these teeth, which were made of the finest pine and she
	varnished them after every meal.  And next to her teeth, her
	dearest love was her pet rabbit Herman.  She would take Herman
	for long walks, and pet and fuss over him all day.  And she would
	visit the royal kitchens and steal him tasty tit-bits which he
	never ate, because, sadly, he was dead, and no one had the heart
	to tell her because she was so sweet and innocent and new nothing
	of death or gastro-enteritis, or even plastic hip joints.

	One day when she was romping with Herman, she suddenly set eyes
	on the most beautiful young man she had ever seen, and fell
	deeply in love with him, naturally assuming him to be a prince.
	Well, fortunately he was a prince, so she found him in the book,
	which her mother made her always carry, [she opens a bird-
	spotting book at a page headed "EBERHARD, PRINZ" opposite a
	photo of him] and learned his name, and went and introduced
	herself, and the subject of marriage.  And he fell deeply in
	love with her, and in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye,
	but was in fact a fortnight, they were in her father's lounge,
	asking his permission to marry.

	[Otto sits at his organ howling a strange song.  He finishes and
	Mitzi and the prince applaud politely.  He starts another.
	Caption "Spaeter am selben Nachmittag" {Later that afternoon}.]
Mitzi (Connie)  Daddy.
Otto (Terry J)  Yes, daughter.
Mitzi	We have something to ask you.
Otto	A request!
Eberhard (John)  Sir, may I have your daughter's hand in marriage?
Otto	Well, I don't know it, but if you hum it I'll soon pick it up.
Eberhard  No sir, I really do wish to marry your daughter, sir.
Otto	Oh.  Are you a prince?
Prince	Yes, sir.
Otto	Is he in the book?
Mitzi	Yes, Daddy.
Otto	Do you really love my daughter?
Prince	I do.
Otto	Well in that case, I must set you a task to prove you worthy of
	her hand in marriage.
Eberhard [standing]  I accept.
Otto	You must climb to the highest part of the castle, first thing
	tomorrow morning, armed only with your sword, and jump out of the

	[A crowd waits expectantly in the street below the castle.]
Villager (Terry J?)  Hey look, there he is!
	[The crowd look up, clapping and cheering.  Eberhard, up on the
	castle tower, waves, wets his finger to test the wind, then
	plummets to his death.  The crowd laugh and cheer.]
Mitzi	Can we get married now, Daddy?
Otto	No, I'm afraid not, daughter, he wasn't worthy of you.
Mitzi	Oh Daddy!  Will he have to go into the ground like all the
	[Cut to a cemetary where a coffin is being cheerfully lowered
	into a grave.]
Mitzi	Come on, Herman.  [She walks away, dragging Herman.]
Storyteller  And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the river bank to see
	if they could find another prince.  Everyone was fishing that
	day, the carpenter and the candlemaker and the blacksmith and the
	window-dresser and his friend, and the hangman and all his
	apprentices, and the secret policeman, and the narcotics salesman
	and his aunty, but not a prince for miles.  Until... Mitzi's eyes
	suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping
	willow tree and there, sure enough, was a prince.

	He was rather thin and spotty with a long nose and bandy legs and
	nasty unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, a prince is a
	prince, and she fell in love with him without another thought.
	[She leaps on top of him and engages him passionately.]  And
	after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with
	her.  And very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto's
	permission to wed, as this prince didn't read the newspapers any
	more than the others did, [they walk past a news stand on which
	is written "Die Happy Valley ???  Ein ??? Prinz ??? ??? ???" -
	sorry, it's too small and unclear on my recording] decadent,
	dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were.  [They
	come across Queen Syllabub romping with a black man.]
Syllabub [getting up hurriedly]  What!  Oh!  Ha ha ha!  Oh, hello,
Mitzi	This is my mother the Queen, and, er, this is, er, ...
Syllabub  This is my new algebra teacher, Dr Erasmus.
Erasmus  Hello there.
Syllabub  Don't stare, darling.  And who is this?
Mitzi	Oh, this is Prince Walter.
Syllabub  Oh.
Mitzi	We were just going down to Daddy for permission to get married.
Syllabub  Ah, well I want to talk to him about like that.  I'll see you
	about the binomial theorem in the wood shed at eight o'clock, Dr
Erasmus  I'll bring the baby oil, Queen.
Syllabub  Yes.  Ahem.
Mitzi	Does Daddy like Dr Erasmus?
Syllabub  I wouldn't mention him, darling.  He's a bit funny about darker
Mitzi	I know nothing of racial prejudice.
Syllabub  Good.  Well I'll talk to him first.

	[Syllabub enters the lounge where Otto is at his organ, howling
	one of his songs.]
Syllabub  Stop that and listen to me!  Now!  [She pulls the plug out.]
Otto	Plug my organ in.
Syllabub  Ha, that's a joke.  Now, listen to me.
Otto	What!  What is it?
Syllabub  I've got something important to tell you.  Mitzi's coming in a
	moment with another prince.
Otto	Yeugh.  [He begins howling one of his songs.]
Syllabub  Look, will you stop that again!
Otto	Huh, princes!
Syllabub  Well there soon won't be any left, thanks to you.  Now just you
	make sure you make that task nice and easy, otherwise I'll smash
	your organ.
Otto	Can I play at the wedding?
Syllabub  Yes.
Otto	All right, all right.  I could play  that one about "Yum de boo
Syllabub  The king agrees to see you now.
Mitzi	Hallo Daddy!
Otto	Come in, child.
Mitzi	This is Prince Walter.
Otto	Eeeugh!  Is he in the book?
Mitzi	Yes.
Otto	Oh, hello Walter.
Walter (Michael)  Prince Walter.
Otto	[sarcastically] Oh, so sorry!  So you want to marry my daughter,
	do you?
Walter	Perhaps.
Mitzi	Oh, say you do, and wing me such joy as I have never tasted
Walter	Yeah, all right.
Otto	All right.  First I must set you a task, so you may prove
	yourself worthy of my daughter's hand in marriage.
Walter	Why?
Otto	Because she's a f[bleep]ing princess, that's why!  You must go
	tomorrow morning to the highest part of the castle... [Syllabub
	hits him.]  You must go, um... [Syllabub threatens him again] er,
	go down to the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.
Walter	What, now?
Otto	Tomorrow morning.

Storyteller  And so, early next morning, all the happy villagers were
	gathered to watch Prince Walter set off on his quest.
	[From a dais outside the castle, on which King, Queen and
	Princess sit, Prince Walter walks, holding a banknote, past the
	villagers down the street to the tobacconist.  He emerges holding
	a packet of cigarettes aloft triumphantly to cheers from the
	crowd.  He walks back up the street to the dais, on which Mitzi
	is jumping up and down excitedly.]
Walter	Here are your fags.  [He tosses them to Otto.]
Otto [grudgingly]  Thank you, Walter.
Walter	Prince Walter!
Syllabub  Well done, Prince Walter.
Otto [standing]  Loyal subjects, faithful followers, this is indeed a
	proud moment for the Queen and myself.  For this is the moment
	when Princess Mitzi marries Prince Walter.  But first, a little
	number I've written, entitled "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Too".
	[Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Too" accompanied by
	Otto.  But then Prince Charming draws up on a horse.]
Charming (Eric)  Halt, halt!  Halt, I prithee, gentle king.
Syllabub  Who are you?  What do you want?  [to Otto] Belt up!
Charming  I am Prince Charming, from the Kingdom of the Golden Lakes,
	good Sir King.  Page four in the book.  And I crave the hand of
	your most beautiful daughter, Princess Mitzi.
Walter	You're too late.
Charming  What?
Walter	I've got her, Charming, now buzz off.
Syllabub  Now, wait a minute, Mitzi is not betrothed yet.
Walter	What?  He said, if I went and got him twenty Rothmans I could
	have her.
Charming  Got you twenty Rothmans?
Walter	I had to go down the town.
Charming  For Princess Mitzi?
Otto	Yes.
Charming  For this priceless treasure?  For this most perfect of all
	God's creatures?
Mitzi [to Syllabub]  I think I'm falling in love again.
Charming  For this finest and most delicate flower in the whole of this
	geographical area, I will face in mortal combat that most dreaded
	of all creatures.
Mitzi, Syllabub & Otto  A dragon?!
Charming  And I shall slay it, single-handed, to prove myself worthy of
	your enchanting daughter, O King.
Otto	I accept.
Walter	What?
Otto	I accept.  Tomorrow morning, then.
Walter	Where's he going to get a dragon from?
Charming  I provide my own.

	[The rear of a horse box opens.  A dragon, all of 18 inches long,
	emerges.  Prince Charming fights it matador-style, then draws a
	pistol and shoots it.  The crowd cheer.]
Otto	Loyal subjects, by virtue of Prince Charming's noble deed, I now
	consent to give him Princess Mitzi's hand in marriage.  But
	first, the B side of my latest single.
Walter	I'll be revenged on the lot of you!
	[Otto plays and everybody starts singing "Ya Te Buckety...".]
Storyteller  Nobody in Happy Valley worried about Prince Walter's
	threats, and the joyous day soon arrived for the royal wedding.

	[Interior of cathedral.  Otto is up in the organ loft.
	Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety, Rum Ting Too, Ni Ni Ni, Yaooo."]
Priest (John)  Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join
	together this man, Prince Charming, and this woman, Princess
	Mitzi Gaynor, in holy matrimony.  If there be anyone who knoweth
	just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
	together...  [There is a loud boom.  A witch enters, followed by
	Prince Walter.]
Witch	Yes, 'tis I, the wicked witch, Ya ha ha!
Priest	Witch, you commit sacrilege here by your very presence.  I
	command you in the name of the Good Book, to leave this holy
	place forthwith.
Witch	Shut up!
Priest	Sorry, sorry.
Witch	Now, where's the King?  Where's the King?  Where's the King?
	[The congregation point upwards.]
Otto	Oh, me.  I'm terribly sorry, I was miles away.
Witch	I forbid this marriage to take place.
Chancellor  You forbid it?
Witch	Who are you?
Chancellor  I am the Lord Chancellor, you old hag!  How dare you speak
	thus to our... [The witch casts spells, turning him successively
	into a lampshade, then a dog, a soda syphon, a rabbit, and back
	into himself.]  Aah!
Witch	Now, watch it!  Now, Mitzi marry Prince Walter, or I curse the
	lot of you, and your aunties.
Otto	Mitzi marries Prince Charming.
Witch	I'm warning you!
Otto	Carry on with the ceremony.
Priest	Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
Witch	Very well.  I hereby change every single person in this cathedral
	into chickens!  [then as a shocked afterthought] Except me!
	[Everyone is turned into chickens.]
Chicken [wearing witch's hat]  Oh, bugger.

	[Cut to Gabby with his mule.  He turns and runs excitedly.]
	[Credits, over a sequence of shots of prospectors shouting
	"Chickens!", "Yippee!" etc.

			von und mit		{written and performed by}

			und als Gast		{with guest}

			Szenenbild:		{Scenery:}
			Kostueme:		{Costumes:}

			Schnitt:		{Editing?:}
			Ton:			{Sound:}

			Maske:			{Make-up:}

			Kamera:			{Camera:}

			Produktionsleitung:	{Production management?:}

			Produzent:		{Producer:}

			Regie:			{Director:}

			ENDE"			{The End}]
	[Pull back to reveal a seal in the presenter's chair and the
	bandaged reported].
Reporter  Why do they do it?  What do they get out of it?  Well, quite
	frankly, I just don't know.
	Guten Abend.
	Come on, Eric, let's go and get a meal.  [They both leave.]
	[Caption: "BAVARIA  Eine Produktion der Bavaria Atelier GmbH"]
	[Caption: "im Auftrag des WDR"]
	[Caption: (c) Python (Monty) Pictures Limited 1972]

<-- Return to Web Site