The Album
                            of the
                            of the
                            of the
                           of Monty
                            and the
                          Holy Grail

(Everything except excerpts from the film "Monty Python and the
Holy  Grail"  done  by  Gustaf Sj÷blom  May  1995  and  "Logic"

Congratulations                                            1
Welcome to the cinema                                      1
Professional Logician                                      2
The Silbury Hill Car Park                                  2
Bomb Threat                                                3
Executive Announcement                                     3
The Story of the Film So Far                               3
Description of the Three headed knight                     3
Problems with projectionist                                4
Interview with Carl French (Marilyn Monroe)                4
Projectionist is well again                                5
Tim the Enchanter helps the Knights                        5
Great Performances                                         5
Announcement - Sir Kenneth Clarke                          6
End of Record                                              6


GC:  Congratulations on buying the executive  version  of  this
record.  You  have chosen wisely and we value  your  discerning
taste  in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product  of
real  quality. Everything on this record has been  designed  to
meet  the exacting standards which you have naturally  come  to
expect.  The  record  itself  is  made  from  the  very  finest
Colombian  extruded polyvinyl. The centerhole has been  created
to  fit  exactly  onto your spindle with all the  precision  of
finest  Swiss craftmanship. The audio content has been  quality
graded  to give you the finest in listening pleasure. There  is
little  or  no  offending material apart from four  cunts,  one
clitoris,  and  a  foreskin. And as they  only  occur  in  this
opening  introduction, you're past them now. You can relax  and
enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has
been specially created for the lover of fine things and man  of
good taste. (He farts.) Oh! Sorry! You can edit that out, can't
Recording Coordinator: Yeah, no problem.

Welcome to the cinema

MP:  The album of the soundtrack of the trailer of the film  of
Monty Pithon and the Holy Grail!
GC: Python, Python...Python...
MP: Live from the Classic Silbury Hills!
MP: Hello, and welcome to the Classic Silbury Hill, for the ---
performance  of  Monty Python and the Holy  Grail.  I  can  see
through the door of the gentlemens' thhat the B-feature  "Bring
me  the head of Don Reavy" has only a few minutes left to  run,
just  time  for  me  to tell you a few quick  words  about  the
theatre. The Classic Silbury Hill, formerly The Social Club  of
The Handover Parks and Burials Department was converted into  a
cinema  in 1941, by Ken Poulsen, father of John, in the  Gothic
renaissance  style.  The  lavatory complies  two  ---  standard
fixtures  and  a 12-inch enamel wall bar with self-rinsing  ---
and  were  opened by Gary Cooper in 1957. Well, I can  see  now
Unison Marine Zapper, salesgirls here through two wars and  six
different  toreath administrations, making  their  way  to  the
front  of  the auditorium with their sales trays, full  of  ice
creams, lollipops, sweets, dubbin, and broken glass. There  are
several people in the audience this afternoon, this is  an  old
age pensioners' afternoon, and I can see Mrs. Skeleton from the
Customs  and Exiles in row G, and away there by the  statue  of
Pan,  is  Mr.  Hallway, the local Seamen's Union  organiser.  A
surprise  visitor is Mr. Bhutto, the president of  Pakistan  in
Row   K,   and  up  in  the  circle  is  Enid  Pickles,   local
representative of the Baader-Meinhof group. She is the only one
armed  here  this afternoon. Now, while the film "Monty  Python
and the Holy Grail" is being loaded into the huge projectors by
Vincent  Wong, the Sino-Scottish projectionist here at  Silbury
Hill,  let's  look back to that never-to-be-forgotten  occasion
when  the film premiered in London's busy West End. Bob  Ghandi
is the reporter.
EI: Hello, and welcome to Old Compton Street, it's a mild night
here,  warm  for  early April, and a large crowd  has  gathered
outside to watch this great gala night for the stars. The  cars
are  arriving  quite fast now, here's a beautiful  Rolls  Royce
Silver Corniche, all white, sliding gracefully up to the  doors
of  the  cinema. Commisioner Alf Venables, ex-father of  Terry,
steps  forward,  opens the door, and out steps a  radiant  Miss
Taylor  herself, looking absolutely stunning and  off  the  ---
organs  are  in silk dress, and next comes Burt Reynolds  in  a
huge  red  Ferrari sports car and... My God! Burt Reynolds  has
run  into  the back of the Corniche and Miss Taylor  turns  and
makes  a  splendid  gesture  at... Great  heavens!  It's  Steve
McQueen  --- --- somersaulted through the air and --- into  the
back bumper of --- And who's this coming through the windscreen
of  the  Mini...yes, it's lovely star Barbara Streisand  flying
through  the  air in a beautiful build of creation...and  she's
landed  half  on Roger Moore, looking quite well, and  half  on
Jack  Nicholson, who's not so well, and who's  that  under  the
back  wheel? It's..yes! It's Faye Dunaway! No,'s Victor
---  Yes,  all the stars are here tonight...that's --- squashed
inbetween  the  bonnet  and  Pete Murray  and  the  box  office
door...and   Shirley   Temple  ahead  battered   out   of   all
MP: Ho, yes, a great galaxy of stars there, but now here at the
Classic, the lights are dimming, the film is about to commence,
so, from the gentlemens' rest room, over colleague, Dougie Nero
in the rear stalls.
JC:  Welcome to the rear stalls! I'm in Row T, just three seats
along  from  the  legendary seat 12. And now,  the  titles  are
coming  to  an end, as the film finally get well and truly  all
your own. I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Anyway,  the
film  is  now underway. [Clopeti] And it's going quite well  at
the moment. Ahh...
King  Arthur  in  film: Whoa, there! (Audience starts  laughing
JC:  Ha-ha,  very  good,  very good! Well,  the  audience  here
certainly  enjoyed  that, uh, visual  joke.  I  only  hope  the
soundtrack does justice to it, because it certainly was, ha,  a
most  outstanding joke. Well, it's still all pretty  visual  so
far,  ah, now here is some dialogue. This is the first dialogue
scene,  a very funnt little scene this between Arthur  and  his
servant Patsy there and two unnamed soldiers, standing  on  the
battlements of this castle. The castle itself is, uh,  I'd  say
120  to  130  feet  high, simple stone walled  keep,  uh,  14th
century  probably, and Arthur is engaged in asking the  soldier
standing right up there on the top of the walls, if he knows of
any  knights who might be prepared to join King Arthur  at  the
Round Table and the knight amusingly replies in a cheerful  and
quite unexpected ma-
MP: Oh, shut up!
JC: Sorry.

Professional Logician

Good evening. The last scene was interesting from the point  of
view  of a professional logician because it contained a  number
of   logical   fallacies;   that  is,   invalid   propositional
constructions  and  syllogistic forms, of  the  type  so  often
committed by my wife.

"All   wood  burns,"  states  Sir  Bedevere.  "Therefore,"   he
concludes,  "all that burns is wood." This is, of course,  pure
bullshit.   Universal  affirmatives  can  only   be   partially
converted:  all  of Alma Cogan is dead, but only  some  of  the
class of dead people are Alma Cogan. "Oh yes," one would think.
However,  my wife does not understand this necessary limitation
of  the conversion of a proposition; consequently, she does not
understand  me.  For  how can a woman expect  to  appreciate  a
professor  of  logic,  if  the simplest  cloth-eared  syllogism
causes her to flounder.

For  example, given the premise, "all fish live underwater" and
"all  mackerel are fish", my wife will conclude, not that  "all
mackerel  live  underwater", but that "if she buys  kippers  it
will not rain", or that "trout live in trees", or even that  "I
do   not  love  her  any  more."  This  she  calls  "using  her
intuition".  I call it "crap", and it gets me very  *irritated*
because  it is not logical. "There will be no supper  tonight,"
she  will sometimes cry upon my return home. "Why not?" I  will
ask.  "Because I have been screwing the milkman all  day,"  she
will  say,  quite oblivious of the howling error she has  made.
"But,"  I  will  wearily  point  out,  "even  given  that   the
activities  of  screwing  the milkman and  getting  supper  are
mutually exclusive, now
that  the screwing is over, surely then, supper may, logically,
be  got."  "You  don't love me any more," she  will  now  often
postulate. "If you did, you would give me one now and again, so
that  I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for  my
orgasms."  "I  will  give you one after  you  have  got  me  my
supper,"  I  now  usually scream, "but not before"  --  as  you
understand,  making her bang contingent on the  arrival  of  my
supper.  "God,  you turn me on when you're angry,  you  ancient
brute!"  she  now  mysteriously deduces,  forcing  her  sweetly
throbbing  tongue  down  my  throat.  "Fuck  supper!"   I   now
invariably  conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously  to  the
four  winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained  floor,
transported  by animal passion, until we sink back,  exhausted,
onto the cartons of yoghurt.

I'm  afraid  I seem to have strayed somewhat from  my  original
brief.  But  in a nutshell: sex is more fun than logic  --  one
cannot  prove  this, but it "is" in the same sense  that  Mount
Everest "is", or that Alma Cogan "isn't".


The Silbury Hill Car Park

JC:   Well,   as  Arthur  rides  off  through  this  stunningly
beautiful, oh, but mainly visual Scottish countryside,  a  word
about the car park here at Silbury.
MP:  Well, the Classic Silbury Hill is very fortunate in 'aving
--- adequate parking facilities adjacent to the cinema. The car
park  itself has an asphalt base rimmed with a foreign concrete
strips  --- --- and brick nugging to a depth of six  feet.  The
parking area could accommodate up to 65 vehicles arranged in  a
crescent formation. Typical of the skill and architecture  used
by  Enid  Poulsen, mother of Ken, father of John, is  that  the
park is self-draining. Over to you, Dougie.
JC:  And  here  we are back with the film as Arthur  approaches
another  castle, uh, oh, 170 to 180 feet high,  I  should  say,
with an inner and outer bailey in the...
MP: Oh, shut up!
JC: Oh.

                [Loimbard etc ...a second time]

Bomb Threat

TJ:  The management of this theatre wish to announce that  they
have received certain information to suggest that there may  be
a  bomb  located  on the premiseses. Patrons are  requested  to
evacuate this theatre as quickly as possible. While evacuating,
the  audience  may  wish to avail themselves at  the  extensive
range  of  facilities offered in our foyer cells display.  Soft
drinks, chocolates, and boiled sweets, a variety of dairy,  ice
cream...  (Bomb  explodes.) dogs,  rosted  peanuts,  old
copies of Newsweek, big profylactics, dubbin, broken glass...

Executive Announcement

GC:  The  announcement  to  which  you  are  now  listening  is
available only on the executive version of this record  and  is
not available on any other version.
MP:  This is Side Two! If you want to play the record from  the
beginning, please turn over! Do not play this side if you  want
Side One! This is Side Two!
GC:  We  would like to apologize to purchesers of the executive
version  of  this  record  for the paremptory  nature  of  that
announcement.  The brusk tone was intended for  buyers  of  the
cheaper version.

The Story of the Film So Far

MP: The story of the film so far:

Doug and Bob are metropolitan policemen with a difference. Doug
likes  nothing more than slipping into little cocktail  frocks,
while Bob bouffants his hair for a night on duty. Still, as the
art immace, no one gives their last names.

The *Real* Story of the Film So Far:

Pucky Reginald Vas Deferens is a nuclear scientist in love with
mafia  boss  Enrico  Marx, who is himself married  to  Conchito
Macbeth,  a  lively  belly-dancer at the  Belgian  disco  whose
manager, Burly Ivan Crapp, has a naked daughter Janice  engaged
to  J.J.  Spinman,  New  York private  detective,  employed  by
elegant  Laura Herron to trace the missing million-pound  bidet
that Hitler gave to Eva Brown as a bar mitzvah present during a
state  visit to Crufts, and which remained hidden until a World
Cup  referee, Horse Jenkenson, was found hanged in a New Jersey
tenement  with  the plans of a Russian secret weapon  partially
tatooed on his elbow.

In  Brisbon,  the  Brain brothers, Nicky and Vance,  torture  a
Mayfair psychologist, who reveals to Dora Brain in a tender and
emotional death scene that his hair is not his own.

Meanwhile,  the Kent Touring Eleven have trapped husky  Matilda
Tritt  on  a  sticky near Hastings, and she reveals all  before
enforcing the follow army.

Peter  Niesewand and Cyril Garfunkel arrive just in  time  with
the  Welsh Police, and the Harry Orchestra, and proceed to sing
a love song which allows Dr. Indira McNorton *just* enough time
to  cross the alps into Geneva, where he meets Kon Rapp, a kung
fu  fanatic and cat lover, who frivilously shoots him, but  not
before  introducing him to lively intelligent  Norweigan  widow
Lanny Krimt, who shows him her inner thighs, where he finds the
address  of  a  good French restaurant, and unexpectedly  meets
Gabriello Machismo, an ex-Korean plastic surgeon whose  frankly
blond  assistant  Sally Lesbitt is now the  half-brother  of  a
distant  cousin  of Ray Vorn Ding-ding-a-dong,  the  Eurovision
song, and *owner* of the million-pound bidet given by Hitler to
Eva  Brown  as  a bar mitzvah present during a state  visit  to
Crufts, and which remained hidden, etc. etc. etc.

This they now do.

Meanwhile,  Harold  and Victor Medway III discover  a  newfound
love for each other in an flashback near Devon, where they meet
up   with   Doug  and  Bob,  the  metropolitan  policemen   who
suprisingly  turn  out  to be in this film  at  all,  who  kill
everyone, and live happily ever after.

                      [...after] [Halt!]

Description of the Three headed knight

MP:  Yes!  It was the dreaded three-headed knight! The fiercest
creature  for  yards around! For a second after  second,  Robin
held  his own, but the onslaught proved too much for this brave
knight.  Scarcely  was  his armour damp whaen  Robin  suddenly,
dramatically changed his tactics!

               [He buggered off!] [...herring!]

Problems with projectionist

JC:  Oh, uh, well, uhm, welcome back to the rear stalls.  There
seems to have been a slight hitch with the film here at Silbury
Hill.  I can see Vincent Wong, the Sino-Scottish projectionist,
uh, lashed to his projector, beating himself with a stick as he
tries  to  put on the next reel, which the enormous  grizzl  is
trying  to --- from his grasp, and I guess, yes, yes, he's  on!
It's on and I think we're all right! I'm sorry about that delay
and back to the film...

Interview with Carl French (Marilyn Monroe)

Interviewer: Michael Palin
Carl French: Graham Chapman

MP:  (Man)  --- --- --- --- Well, this time you've crawled  too
Woman:  Oh,  Jake,  Jake! Why did you do  it?  You  could  have
desrtoyed  the  tapes  and  none of  this  leftist  would  have
Interviewer: An excerpt from Carl French's latest  film.  Carl,
we're  all a little mystified by your claim that your new  film
stars Marilyn Monroe.
Carl French: It does, yes.
Interviewer: Who died over ten years ago?
Carl French: Uh, that's correct.
Interviewer: Are you lying?
Carl  French:  No, no, it's just that she'e very  much  in  the
public eye at the moment.
Interviewer: Does she have a big part?
Carl French: She is the star of the film.
Interviewer: And dead.
Carl French: Well, we dug her up and gave her a screen test,  a
mere formality in her case, and...
Interviewer: Can she still act?
Carl   French:  Well...well,  she-she's  still  has   this-this
enormous, ah-ah, kinda indefinable,
Interviewer: Was decomposition a problem?
Carl  French:  We  did have to put her in  the  fridge  between
Interviewer: Ah, what sorts of things does she do in the film?
Carl  French: Well, we had her lying on beds, lying on  floors,
falling out of cupboards, scaring the children, ahm...
Interviewer: But surely Miss Monroe was cremated?
Carl French: Well, we had to use a standin for some of the more
visible shots.
Interviewer: Ah! Uh, another actress.
Carl  French:  Dead actress. But Monroe was in shot  the  whole
Interviewer: How?
Carl  French: Oh, in the ash tray, in the fire grate and vacuum
Interviewer: So Marilyn does not appear in the film?
Carl French: Not as such.
Interviewer:  Mr.  French, you're on of the film  world's  most
arrogant queens. I mean not just homosexual or gay or anything,
I mean you are a raving queen.
Carl French: Well, yes.
Interviewer: I mean, a real screamer, a real "Whoops! Get  out!
Don't mind me dear!" limp-wristed caricature.
Carl French: Is that not in order?
Interviewer:  No,  no, that's fine. And I understand  that  you
married the beautiful black heiress Hueyna Tanoy partly for the
publicity but mostly to cover up the fact that you prefer going
out with little boys.
Carl French: Look, really!
Interviewer: Carl, you're an offending little poof,  a  mincing
gay-bar loiterer, a winnet-covered walking perfume shop and  an
evil perverter of innocent little boys!
Carl French: What!? Really! Is this part of the interview?
Interviewer: No, no, I just wanted a few contacts.
Carl French: Well-well, shouldn't we be talking about the film?
Interviewer: --- for ages. Now, where'd you find them?
Carl French: Look, I think we are still on the air.
Interviewer: Oh, sod the fucking air! I just still  get  locked
up with that sort of thing.
Carl French: What about the film?
Interviewer: Just a few addresses, please...
Carl French: Look, we got James Dean in it, in a box!
Interviewer: I-I can turn the microphone off if you...
Carl French: And bits of Jayne Mansfield...

Projectionist is well again

JC:  Ah,  well, back here at the Classic I have good news  that
Vincent  Wong, ah, horribly mutilated, though he is his  partly
dismembered  shoulder bound together with an old ---  top  hat,
has  managed  to  select the correct reel and we're  back  with
Monty Python and the Holy Grail once again.
TJ:  As  Sir  Lancelot, the boldest and most expensive  of  the
knights  lost  his way in the forest of Ewing, at nearby  Swamp
Castle, a celebration was underway.

              [One day, lad... of water]

Tim the Enchanter helps the Knights

TJ:  Tim, the bizarre and oddly dressed enchanter provides  the
knights with a final clue that leads them to the Holy Grail.

                   [Yes, I can help you...]

Great Performances

JC: A fine performance there in the role of Tim the Magician
GC:  (Starts talking simultaneously) Vernon Tate, drama  critic
of the Transport and General Workers' Union.
JC: by Harry Krepps, formerly of --- now with --- (Simultaneous
talk ends) and a performance that will live in the memory along
with  Sir  John  Gielgud's "Lire" at Stratford  in  1952,  Burt
Lancaster's  extraordinary "Tinker Bell" in Peter  Pan  at  the
Globe in -65, Norman Hunter's uncompromising "Polonius" at  the
Nationals three years ago and most recently, by Claire  Bloom's
breathtaking  portrayal  as Jackie  Charlton  in  Peter  Hall's
"Romeo and Juliet", where Miss Bloom's delicate command of  the
rokoko intricacies of Jordy Abuse was matched only by her tight
ball  control in the balcony seat. But of all these,  Sir  John
Gielgud's "Lire" stays longest in the memory. Many peolpe still
recall his brilliant performances at Stratford that year, but I
prefer  to  remember him one autumn afternoon  in  front  of  a
hostile  crowd  at  Monalow. The play had been  getting  pretty
rough,  with --- and Kent both booked before the interval,  and
Albany,  Edgar and Regan, sent off on the --- But  the  trouble
really began when Cornwall blazently blinded Gloucester in  the
penalty  area  and  referee Ken --- Swansea  waved  "play  on",
unleashing  a  storm  of  booing from the  incensed  Gloucester
supporters  which  reached  a crescendo  as  Sir  John  stepped
Crowd: Boo!
MP: --- is not the king?
SJG: I, every inch a king, When I do stare, see how the subject
craves, I pardon that man's life.
Man: Offside!
SJG: What was the cause? Adultery? Thou shalt not die, no,  die
for  adultery,  no  ---  let copulation cry.  For  Gloucester's
bastard sons ---
JC: An outstanding performance there. Sir Alf?
JC: Yes, he's certainly very tremendous in terms of his talking
and  moving  and  gesturing and being an actor in  general,  in
fact, in terms of his acting I would say...
JC: Chou En-Lai?
MP: I was tempted to recall the --- in the role of MacBeth.
All: (Marsching) Oh, is this the dagger that we see before  us?
The  handle's  towards our hands! Come! Let us touch  thee!  We
have been ---
JC:  The  finest mass Shakespearean tragic hero I've  certainly
ever seen. Sir Alf?
JC: Well, we're going back to join the film in the sixty second
minute in the terms of the, ah, where there's been fighting and
killing of the knights by the rabbit in general.

                     [Run away! ... Boom!]

Announcement - Sir Kenneth Clarke

GC:  For  the purchasers of the cheaper version of this record:
it  has already ended. For purchasers od the executive version,
there are three more minutes of thsi album. These three minutes
are introduced personally by Sir Kenneth Clarke.
GC:  Hello. This is a very nice record, this is. It's  a  very,
very nice record. That's why I like it, because it's very nice.
(Telephone rings)
GC:  Ah,  no, that was him. Yes, oh, yes. What? Well, well,  he
had a bit of a cold. No, I promise you it was. Lo-look, please.
We'll miss the end of the story.

[The Castle Aarrgh!]

End of Record

GC:  Well,  that's  about  it, really.  The  film  ends  mainly
visually. (He walks away and closes a door behind him.)

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