Title: "It All Happened On The 11:20 From Hainault To Redhill Via Horsham And Reigate, Malmesbury, Tootingbec And Croyton West."
Transcribed by: Brittany K
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus

(SIR HORACE lies dead on the floor. JOHN (Eric Idle) and LADY come into the room, which is decorated nicely. They are both dressed in nice older style clothing, as are the later characters)

WOMAN: Anyway John you can catch the 11:30 by Hornchurch and be at Beasing at one o'clock. Oh, and there's the buffet car and…oh! Daddy! (Sees SIR HORACE on the floor)

JOHN: My hat! Sir Horace.

WOMAN: Has he been…?

JOHN: Yes, after breakfast but that doesn't matter now he's dead.

WOMAN: Oh poor daddy.

JOHN: Looks like I won't be catching the 11:30 now.

WOMAN: On no John you mustn't miss your train

JOHN: How could I think of catching a train when I should be here helping you?

WOMAN: Oh, John, thank you. Anyway you can always catch the 9:30 tomorrow. It goes by Catterham and Chipsted.

JOHN: Or the 9:45 that's better.

WOMAN: Oh, but you have to change at Lamb's Green.

JOHN: Yes, but there's only a seven minute wait now.

LADY: Yes of course I forgotten it's Friday. Oh who could have done this?

LADY PARTRIDGE (Graham Chapman): Come and hurry up Sir Horace! Your train leaves in 28 minutes and if you don't catch the 10:15, you won't catch the 3:45 and that means…oh! (Eyeing SIR HORACE)

JOHN: I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10:15, Lady Partridge.

PARTRIDGE: Has he been…?

WOMAN: Yes, after breakfast.

JOHN: Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.

PARTRIDGE: Oh and it was back to the engine, fourth coach along so that he could see the gradient signs of Swansbourgh.

JOHN: Not anymore Lady Partridge. The line's been closed.

PARTRIDGE: Closed?! Not Swansbourgh.

JOHN: Yes, I'm afraid so.

INSPECTOR (Terry Jones): Right, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard.

JOHN: My word you were here quickly inspector!

INSPECTOR: I took the 8:45 Pullman Express from Kings Cross. And missed that bit around Hornchurch.

PARTRIDGE: It's a very good train

WOMAN: Yes, a very good train.

TONY (Michael Palin): (bounding through the French doors of the background) Hello, everyone!!

ALL: Tony!

TONY: Where's Daddy? …oh golly! (Seeing SIR HORACE) Has he been…?

ALL: (matter of fact-ly) Yes, after breakfast.

TONY: (innocently) Then he… he won't be needing his reservation for the 10:15.

JOHN: (Accusingly) Exactly!

TONY: And I suppose as his eldest son it must go to me.

INSPECTOR: Just one minute there Tony. There's a small matter of…murder!

TONY: Oh, but surely he simply shot himself then hid the gun.

PARTRIDGE: How can anyone shoot himself then hid the gun without first canceling his reservation?

TONY: Well, I must dash or I will be late for the 10:15.

INSPECTOR: I suggest that you murdered your father for his seat reservation.

TONY: I may have had the motivation Inspector, but I could not have done it for I had only arrived at Gillingham at 8:13 and here is the restaurant car ticket to prove it.

WOMAN: But the 8:13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car.

JOHN: It's standing buffet only.

TONY: Did I say the 8:13? I meant the 7:58 stopping train.

PARTRIDGE: But the 7:58 only arrived at Swindon at 8:19 owing to annual point maintenance at Wisbourgh Junction.

JOHN: So how did he make the connection 8:13 which left six minutes earlier?

TONY: Simple, I caught the 7:16 football special which arrived at Swindon at 8:09.

WOMAN: But the 7:16 football special only stops at Swindon on alternate Saturdays!

PARTRIDGE: You surely mean the holidaymaker special.

TONY: Oh yes! How daft of me! I took the holidaymaker special calling at Bedford, Colmworth, Fenton Sutton, Fen Ditton, Wallingworth, and

INSPECTOR: That's Sundays only!

TONY: Damn! All right I confess I did it. I killed him for his reservation. But you won't get me alive! (TONY tears for the door) I am going to throw myself onto the 10:12 from Reading.

JOHN: Don't be a fool, Tony. Don't do it. The 10:12 has the narrow traction bogies you wouldn't stand a chance!

TONY: Exactly!

(dramatic tone)

(curtain falls as characters freeze, TONY at the door, JOHN holding LADY, LADY PARTRIDGE staring in shock at TONY, SIR HORACE dead on the floor, and INSPECTOR at the French doors stage back)

VOICE-OVER: That was an excerpt from the latest west end hit, "It all happened on the 11:20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, Malmesbury, Tootingbec and Croyton West." The author is Mr. Neville Shunt.

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