Title: Penguin on the Television
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
  Transcribed By: unknown

(voice over)  Number ninety-seven: a radio.
voice on radio: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama 
series: The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.  Part One: The Beginning. 
man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots? 
woman's voice: I am! 
  (sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching 
   noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted.  All of 
   this accompanied by screaming from the woman.) 
(music fades up and out) 
voice: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The Death of 
Mary, Queen of Scots", coming up...almost immediately. 
  (sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman 
   screaming.  Suddenly it is silent.) 
man's voice: I think she's dead. 
woman's voice: No I'm not! 
  (sounds of physical harm and screaming start again.) 
  (music fades up and out) 
voice: that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", specially 
adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier.  And now, Radio Four will 
the radio explodes. 
two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it 
explodes.  One looks at the other: 
1: We'll have to watch the Telly-vision! 
2: Aaaaw. 
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television.  One turns the television 
 on, and they sit down.  There is a small penguin sitting on top of the 
 television set.) 
1 & 2: (singing, mumbled)  hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh 
1: What's that on top of the telly-vision set? 
2: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin. 
1: What's it doin' there? 
2: It's sittin'. 
1: I can see that!  I meant, why's it there? 
2: (pause) I don't know. 
1: Where'd it come from? 
2: Well, it must have come from the zoo. 
1: It can't have come from the zoo!  If it had come from the zoo it would have 
   "Property of the Zoo" stamped on it! 
2: They don't stamp animals "Property of the Zoo"!!!  You can't stamp a huge 
1: (resolute)  They stamp them when they're small. 
2: Besides, penguins don't come from the zoo!  they come from the antartic! 
  (the television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk) 
man:  And now the penguin on top of your television set will explode. 
(the penguin explodes) 
1: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?! 
man: it was an educated guess.  And now: 
voice over:  Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck. 

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