Title: The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
  Transcribed By: Betty McLaughlin ( IO60147@MAINE.BITNET )


Set: A tobacconist's shop.
 
Text on screen:  In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign
		 nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians
		 (not the streets - the foreign nationals).  Anyway, many of
		 these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy
		 cigarettes....
 
A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones).  The
tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
 
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian  I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no.	This is a tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no.	Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya!	See-gar-ets!  Ya!  Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels
	   (pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come
	   back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
	   I...I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and
       six...ah, here we are.  (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.
 
Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if
hearing a cry of distress.  He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the
tobacconist's.
 
Cop: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian:  Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime.
	    (points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
 
(scene switches to a courtroom.  Characters are all in powdered wigs and
 judicial robes, except publisher and cop.  Characters:
   Judge: Terry Jones
   Bailiff: Eric Idle
   Lawyer: John Cleese
   Cop: Graham (still)
   Publisher: Michael Palin )
 
Bailiff:   Call Alexander Yalt!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge:	   Oh, shut up!
Bailiff:   (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.
Bailiff:   Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I am.
Bailiff:   You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did
	   willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an
	   alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach
	   of the peace.  How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff:   You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.
Bailiff:   You are the director of a publishing company?
Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.
Bailiff:   Your company publishes phrase books?
Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.
Bailiff:   You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?
Publisher: Yes.
Bailiff:  (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
	  (lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)
Judge:	   Get on with it, get on with it.
Bailiff:   That's fine.  On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.
Publisher: I did.
Bailiff:   I quote on example.	The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me
	   to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle
	   my bum."
Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.
Cop:	   (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?
Judge:	   An adjournment? Certainly not!
 
(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of
 bodily gas in the history of the universe.)
 
Judge:	Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?
Cop:	I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)
Judge:	(banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women
	applauding, I'll clear the court.