Title: The Stoning
            From: Monty Python's Life of Brian
  Transcribed By: Dwayne A. X. E. E. ( CS107124@YUSOL )


(The Stoning Place.  A Jewish OFFICIAL stands there, with some helpers,
 confronting the potential stonee, MATTHIAS.  A large crowd watches.  90% are
 women in beards.  Around the perimeter are a few Roman troops.)
 
Official:  Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath ...
Matthias:  (to Official's Helper): Do I say "Yes"?
Official's Helper: Yes.
Matthias:  Yes.
Official:  You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the
	   name of our Lord and so as a blasphemer you are to be stoned to
	   death.
Matthias:  Look, I'd had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That
	   piece
Official:  Blasphemy!  He's said it again.
Women:	   Yes, he did.
Official:  Did you hear him?
Women:	   Yes we did.	Really.
Official:  (suspiciously) Are there any women here today?
 
(The women all shake their heads.  The Official faces Matthias again.)
 
Official:  Very well, by virtue of the authority vested in me ...
 
(One of the women throws a stone and it hits Matthias on the knee.)
 
Matthias:  Ow. Lay off.  We haven't started yet.
Official:  (turning around) Come on, who threw that?
 
(Silence.)
	   Who threw that stone?  Come on.
Women:	   (pointing to the culprit, keeping their voices as low in pitch as
	   they can)
	   She did.
	   *He did.*
	   He. Him.
Culprit:   (very deep voice) Sorry, I thought we'd started.
Official:  Go to the back.
Culprit:   Oh dear.
	   (disappointedly goes to back)
Official:  There's always one, isn't there?  Now, where were we? ...
Matthias:  Look.  I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying
	   "Jehovah!"
 
(Sensation!!!!	The women gasp.)
 
Women:	  (high voices) He said it again.
	  (low voices)	He said it again.
Official: (to Matthias) You're only making it worse for yourself.
Matthias: Making it worse?  How can it be worse?  Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
 
(Great Sensation!!!!!!)
 
Official:  I'm warning you.  If you say "Jehovah" once more ...
	   (He gasps at his error and claps his hand over his mouth.  A stone
	   hits him on the side of the head.  He reacts.)
	   Right!  Who threw that?
Women:	   (high voices)
	   It was her.
	   It was *him*.
	   (low voices)
	   It was him.
Official:  Was it you?
Culprit:  Yes.
Official:  All right.
Culprit:  Well, you did say "Jehovah."
 
(The women all shriek and throw stones at her from very close range.  She falls
 to the ground stunned.  Quick cut of Romans reacting.	They shake their heads
 and mutter to each other.)
 
Official:  Stop that.  Stop it, will you stop that.  Now look, no one is to
	   stone anyone until I blow this whistle.  *Even*...and I want to
	   make this absolutely clear...*even* if they *do* say "Jehovah."
 
(There is a pause.  Then all the women throw stones at the Official and he
 goes down in a heap.  Five women carry a huge rock, run up and drop it on the
 Official.  Everyone claps.  The guards sadly shake their heads.)