Title: String
            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
  Transcribed By: unknown


Adrian Wapcaplet:  Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson.  Aaah, welcome to
    Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, 
    Vendetta and Prang! 
Mr. Simpson: Thank you. 
Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet... 
Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do. 
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it? 
S: No. 
W: Aah.  Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder. 
S: String. 
W: String, washing powder, what's the difference.  We can sell *anything*. 
S: Good.  Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two 
   thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I 
   advertised it... 
W: Of course!  A national campaign.  Useful stuff, string, no trouble there. 
S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see.  Due to bad planning, the hundred and 
   twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths.  So it's not very 
   useful. 
W: Well, that's our selling point! 
   "SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!" 
S: What? 
W: "THE NOW STRING!  READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR 
    STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!" 
S: For what? 
W: "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!" 
S: Such as? 
W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, 
   destroying household pests... 
S: Destroying household pests?!  How? 
W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if 
   they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it! 
S: Well *surely*!.... 
W: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, 
   RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR 
   STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!" 
S: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!? 
W: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string? 
S: No, but it's only *string*! 
W: ONLY STRING?!  It's everything!  It's...it's waterproof! 
S: No it isn't! 
W: All right, it's water resistant then! 
S: It isn't! 
W: All right, it's water absorbent!  It's...Super Absorbent String! 
   "ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX 
    STRINGETTES!  AWAY WITH FLOODS!" 
S: You just said it was waterproof! 
W: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY TIDAL WAVES!  USE SIMPSON'S 
    INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!" 
S: You're mad! 
W: Shut up, shut up, shut up!  Sex, sex sex, must get sex into it.  Wait, 
   I see a television commercial- 
 
   There's this nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string.  That's 
   great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion. 
 
   There's a nude woman in a bath with a doctor--that's too sexy.  Put an 
   archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse off it.  Now, we 
   need children and animals. 
 
   There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop 
   who's blessing the string.  Uhh...international flavor's missing...make the 
   archbishop Greek Orthodox....