Title: The Tale of Sir Launcelot
            From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  Transcribed By: unknown

As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way 
in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway. 
Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. 
         The King and his son the Prince. 
King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be 
Son: What, the curtains? 
King: No, not the curtains, lad!  All that you can see, stretched out over the 
      'ills and valleys of this land.  That'll be your kindom, lad. 
Son: But, Mother... 
King: Father, lad, Father. 
Son:  But, Father, I don't want any of that. 
King: Listen, lad:  I built this kingdom up from nuthin'.  When I started 
      here, all of this was swamp!  Other kings said it was *daft* to build a 
      castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em!  It 
      sank into the swamp.  SO, I built a second one!  That sank into the 
      swamp.  So I built a *third* one.  That burned down, fell over, *then* 
      sank into the swamp.  But the fourth one......stayed up.  And that's what 
      you're gonna get, lad:  the *strongest* castle in these islands. 
Son:  But I don't want any of that! I'd rather... 
King: Rather what? 
Son:  I'd rather...just...sing!...... 
King: Stop that!  Stop that!  You're not going into a song while I'm here! 
      Now, listen, lad.  In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl 
      whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England. 
Son:  But I don't want land! 
King: Listen, Alex... 
Son:  'Erbert... 
King: 'Erbert.  We live in a bloody swamp!  We need all the land we can get!! 
Son:  But... but I don't *like* 'er! 
King: don't like 'er?!?  What's wrong with 'er?  She's...  beautiful, she's... 
      *rich*, she's got...  HUGE.............  tracts o' land... 
Son:  Ah...ah know.  But I want the girl that I marry to have...  a 
King: Cut that out!!  Cut that out....  
      You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! 
      Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. 
Guard 1:  Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im. 
Guard 2: *Hic* 
King:    Nono....  *Until* I come and get him. 
Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. 
King:     Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* 
         doesn't leave. 
Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. 
Guard 2: *Hic* 
King:    Right. 
Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the 
King:    Nono.  *Leaving* the room. 
Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. 
King:    All right? 
Guard 1: 'Right. 
King:    Right.   
Guard 1: Oh!  If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh....  If if if we...... 
King:     Yes, what is it? 
Guard 1: Oh.  I-if.......     Oh.... 
King:    Look, it's quite simple. 
Guard 1: Uh..... 
King:    You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. 
         All right? 
Guard 2: *hic* 
Guard 1: Oh, I remember!  Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us? 
King:    No...nono, no.   You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure... 
Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had* 
         to leave, and we *were* with him... 
King:    nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE 
Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else... 
King:    No, not anyone else, just me... 
Guard 1: ...Just you... 
Guard 2: *hic* 
King:    Get back. 
Guard 1: Get back. 
King:    All right? 
Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. 
Guard 2: *hic* 
King:      And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave. 
Guard 1: What? 
King:      Make sure 'e doesn't leave! 
Guard 1: The prince?????? 
King:    Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE... 
Guard 2: *hic* 
Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!!  I thought you meant him!    You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard 
         him when 'e's a guard... 
King:     Is that clear? 
Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems! 
Guard 2: *hic* 
King:    Right.  
         Where are *you* going? 
Guard 1: We're coming with you! 
King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE! 
Guard 1: Oh, I see, right! 
Son:       but father... 
King:    Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on.   
         AND NO SINGING! 
Guard 2: *hic* 
King: Oh, go and get a glass of water.  (leaves) 
The Prince looks at the guards.  They look at him.  He smiles.  They smile 
back.  He gets a pen a paper out.  He smiles at them.  They smile back. 
He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it.  He smiles at the 
guards.  They smile back.  The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. 
He sticks the note on the arrow.  He smiles at the guards.  They smile back. 
He side-steps to the window.  He smiles at the guards.  They smile back. 
He shoots the arrow with the note out the window.  He puts down the bow. 
He smiles at the guards.  They smile back. 
Guard 2: *Hic* 
Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves 
in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, behind Concorde, who is banging two 
coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. 
Launcelot: Ho!  Well taken, Concorde! Steady there, 
Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir.  (he falls) 
Launcelot: Concorde!!  (spying the arrow) A note!   "To whomever finds 
           this note. Help. I am being held prisoner by my father who wishes 
          me to marry *against my will*!! Please please please please rescue 
          me.  I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle."   A quest! A 
          damsel in distress!  Oh, Concorde, noble Concorde, you shall not have 
          died in vain!   
Concorde: I'm not quite dead yet, sir! 
Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been...mortally wounded 
         in vain!  
Concorde: I think I could pull through, sir. 
Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Concorde, maybe you'd better stay here and 
         rest a bit, eh? 
Concorde: Oh, I think I could come with you, sir... 
Launcelot: No, no, Concorde, brave soul, you shall stay here, and I...I shall 
         undertake a perilous quest to win freedom for a maiden and eternal 
         fame for myself. Farewell, Concorde!!  
Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle.  Two guards standing here looking very 
       bored.  Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them 
       waving his sword in the air.  They look at each other, then back at 
       Launcelot. They seem confused.  He does not get any closer, though he 
       he keeps running.  The guards look at each other again.  One taps his 
       forehead.  They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot 
       still running towards them and getting nowhere.  They look at each 
       other.  Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs them 
       both through.  They die, considerably surprised. 
       Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, 
       and otherwise generally killing the entire populace.  He fights his 
       way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. 
       He reached the Tower and throws open the door. 
Guard 1: Hello!  Urggh.   
Guard 2: *Hic*   
Launcelot:  Milady, here 
           kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round 
           Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from--   Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 
Son:  You got my note! 
Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note...let's not jump to conclusions... 
Son: I *knew* some one would read it and rescue me!  I've got a rope all ready! 
       Let's climb down! 
King:   What's all this!?!   Are you 
      the one who killed all my guests? 
Son: He's come to rescue me! 
King: Shut your noise, you.  Well, what about it? 
Launcelot:   Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit... 
           carried away with the moment... 
King: Carried away?!?  Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding 
         reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the 
         bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest!  Now what sort of 
         behavior is that???  Who are you, anyway? 
Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I-- 
King: King Arthur??  King-of-England Arthur?  And you're one of his Knights of 
      the Round Table? 
Son: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot!   
Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss... 
King: Fuss? Nonsense!!  Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored guest, 
      please!  (quietly) Lots of land up by Camelot, eh? 
Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people...and 
           kicking the bride... 
Son: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!  
King: Don't worry about a thing, sir.  Just come downstairs with me, will you? 
      I want to introduce you to everyone. 
Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much...  
King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot....  
Son: (from outside)  Are you coming, Sir Launcelot? 
     Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!  (thump) 
King: (liltingly)  Coming, Sir Launcelot... 
Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who caused 
all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There he is!" and, 
"He's the one!" and, "Get him!" Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk 
King: Oh, bloody hell. 
Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking 
the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech. 
King: Ladies and gentlemen.  This man whom you see beside me is my own honored 
      friend, Sir Launcelot of Camelot.  He has come all this way just to--- 
Guest: He killed the bride's father!! 
King: Oh, come now! Let's not bicker and argue about 'oo killed 'oo! Sir 
      Lancelot has come to celebrate with me the joyful occasion of my son's 
      marriage to Princess Lucky.  Unfortunately, my son Herbert has just 
      fallen to his death from the Tall Tower.  (gasps) But, I like to think of 
      myself, not as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter.  For, 
      since the father of the bride perished in most untimely circumstances.... 
Voice: He's not quite dead yet.... 
King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be 
       considered dead... 
Voice: I think he's coming 'round! 
King:  Since her father, who, when it seemed he was just on the 
      verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... 
Voice: He's kicked off! 
King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad. In the 
      firm and legally binding sense.  And, as this is meant to be a wedding 
      day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my family, and give him 
      the hand of my new daughter in earnest token of my esteem for him and his 
Launcelot:   Well, really, I must be going, I don't think-- 
King: Going?  Nonsense!  Why, how could you leave me at a time like this, so 
      recently bereft of my only son? 
Concorde:   He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction) 
King: Oh, bloody hell. 
Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower? 
Son: Well, I'll tell you... 
King: No! Wait! Stop that!  
Guests:                 He's going to tell, 
                        he's going to tell, 
                        he's going to tell, 
                        he's going to tell! 
                        He's going to tell, 
                        he's going to tell, 
                        he's going to tell, 
                        he's going to tell! 
Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way. 
Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more... 
Concorde: Dramatic, sir? 
Launcelot: Dramatic!  Right!  This bell pull will do...   
Launcelot: Err...could someone give me a push?                                                                    

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