Title: The Witch
            From: Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  Transcribed By: unknown


Bedevere stands on a stage in front of a large crowd of wild villagers.
 
Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her? 
Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! 
Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch? 
Villager: She looks like one! 
Other Villagers: Yeah!  She looks like one!!! 
Bedevere: Bring her forward. 
 
(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform.  She 
 is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, 
 and a black paper hat on her head.  She talks funny because her nose is 
 closed by the carrot.) 
 
Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! 
Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one. 
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this. 
Villagers: No! nooo!  We didn't!  We didn't! 
Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! 
 
(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in 
 fact rather small.) 
 
Bedevere: Well? 
One Villager: Well, we did do the nose. 
Bedevere: The nose? 
Villager: And the Hat.  But she's a witch! 
Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! 
Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this? 
Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... 
One Villager: yes. 
Villagers: yes. yes. yes.  A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. 
Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart... 
Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch? 
Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!! 
 
(pause) 
 
Bedevere: a newt? 
 
(long pause) 
 
Villager: I got better... 
Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! 
Bedevere: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA  There are ways of *telling* whether she 
   is a witch! 
Villagers: Are there?  What?  Tell us, then!  Tell us! 
Bedevere: Tell me.  What do you do with witches? 
V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!!  You BURN them!!!!  BURN!! 
Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches? 
Villager: More Witches! 
Other Villager: Wood. 
Bedevere: So.  Why do witches burn? 
 
(long silence) 
(shuffling of feet by the villagers) 
 
Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood? 
Bedevere: Goooood! 
Other Villagers:  oh yeah... oh.... 
Bedevere: So.  How do we tell whether she is made of wood? 
One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er! 
Bedevere: Aah.  But can you not also make bridges out of stone? 
Villagers: oh yeah. oh.  umm... 
Bedevere: Does wood sink in water? 
One Villager: No! No, no, it floats! 
Other Villager: Throw her into the pond! 
Villagers: yaaaaaa! 
 
(when order is restored) 
 
Bedevere: What also floats in water? 
Villager: Bread! 
Another Villager: Apples! 
Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks! 
Another Villager: Cider! 
Another Villager: Uh...great gravy! 
Another Villager: Cherries! 
Another Villager: Mud! 
Another Villager: Churches! Churches! 
Another Villager: Lead! Lead! 
King Arthur: A Duck! 
Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh! 
Bedevere: exACTly! 
Bedevere: (to a villager) So, *logically*... 
Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) 
          If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. 
Bedevere: and therefore... 
 
(pause) 
 
Villager: A Witch! 
All Villagers: A WITCH! 
 
 
(they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest 
 scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)